I am the girl who is suppose to not have jealous tendencies.

I have a great boyfriend. He's smart and funny and weird and takes great care of me. We've been seeing each other for about a month but only until recently, it's been "official", not that that really matters. When we're together things are just awesome and I feel like we're on a really good level of being in each other's leagues. Regrettably, I can try really hard to be just the kind of girlfriend that any guy would want, especially him just because I want him to be proud of having me.

But then there is Tumblr. I fucking live on tumblr these days, and my boyfriend has a tumblr as well. Here's the thing though, on his tumblr he seems like the coolest mother fucker ever. Well, I think he is a pretty cool mother fucker but he's a lot more awkward in person and that doesn't really show up on his tumblr. I know he has a lot of girls that follow him that have crushes on him and tell him that he's cute and actually that doesn't really bother me. It's this one bitch I really don't like.

She actually lives back home where I do, and we used to be really good friends, and I thought she was super fucking cool and everything. But I was friends with her when I was 17 and a mess and I had decided to go to a random trip to pittsburgh to see a guy and she got all motherly with me and we got in a fight and didn't really talk since. So basically, ever since then she's disliked me, EVEN 2 YEARS LATER. So this bitch and my boyfriend are all bff's on tumblr. Fuck, they are always liking each other's shit and reblogging it and all of that, and he doesn't really do that with my tumblr. But what bothers me more than anything is because I'm not dumb, I know they have a thing for each other. First of all she's prettier, smarter, and older than me, and I'm almost positive if she lived here and not in Ohio he'd be with her. Second of all, when I first found out they were friends on tumblr I went and followed her and tried to be her friend and she followed me for about 2 days and then unfollowed me and stopped responding to my messages when I was just trying to be friendly. SO SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE ME, probably now because I'm dating the guy she wants to be with. Does my boyfriend know any of this? No, he wouldn't get it. So she's always fucking commenting on his pictures and he's reblogging shit she posts and I can't stand it. He's MY boyfriend, not yours. I know you want to be with him, but he's with me. I hate hate hate that she doesn't like me, what the fuck is her issue? Like really? UGH. And then, I'm NOT dumb! I know he obviously has a thing for her, which of course makes me feel inadequate. But I think what sucks more than any of this is I'm not a jealous person, I really am truly not. But this bitch just really knows how to bother me, and I can't tell him any of this because it's a waste of time.


I really hope he understands how much this bitch wants him and that I know they like each other and I still deal with it. It's not like he has any of that with anybody with me, all the guys that want me live in fucking London, and they just like me for sex. He's one of the first amazingly nice and caring guys who doesn't just want me for sex, so of course I want him to myself. In a perfect world I would love for him to post something on his tumblr about me being his girlfriend and how much he likes me, but I know he won't. His tumblr is his ego and pride, and if he says he has a girlfriend he'll lose his tumblr crushes, so of course he won't. I've just, idk I've always kind of wanted a guy that would be more than happy to show me off as his girlfriend and it's like in person yeah he does, but idk it would be kind of nice if he would post something about having me as his girlfriend on his tumblr. Shouldn't I be enough for him? Sometimes I don't feel like I am.... :/

I am a girl who is being swept off her feet.

I can't take it anymore. I have to write this out. I may seem psycho and be in wayy too deep but fuck that shit. I need someone, somewhere to hear this.

It comes down to this. There is this new boy in my life, a boy who actually gives a damn.

I spent 27, yes 27 hours straight with him. For those of you who don't know me I never spend that much time with someone I romantically care about. I just don't. But he's the exception.

His name is Noah. He is an actual full fledge gentleman, and I can't believe it. Not only has he paid for every date we've ever gone on, but he's so down to earth it boggles my mind. He doesn't take himself or whatever we have too seriously. He doesn't look hugely ahead of the future to scare the shit out of me, but the way he treats me all I keep thinking is "Holy shit I can't wait for him to be my boyfriend." He's not overly cheesey, but my god the things he'll say to me can make my heart skip a beat.

We were walking back from a costume party together and I was pretty tipsy; everyone at the party gave us a year. As I was drunkly telling him I never thought of myself as a beautiful person he looks at me and tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, in a way that wasn't heart stopping and cheesey, that was real. He's real. It's real when he tells me how amazing it feels to hold me in his arms. It's real when he tells me the sexiest thing about me is my confidence. It's real when he gets excited to share with me his music and movies. And nothing is more real that the 8 hours we spent in my bed today just holding each other, kissing and holding each other. I didn't want it to end.

He's nerdy, he's awkward, he's not perfect, but he cares about me. He is stunned when I'll cook him food, hell I made him breakfast, lunch and dinner today and he couldn't believe it. He'll look at me at the most random times and tell me how adorable I look. He has NO problem telling me exactly how he feels about me, how much he likes me and how he can see me as his girlfriend. We've talked about things I can't even believe we've talked about. When I told him I had an ex boyfriend physically harm me, he wrapped his arms around me and held me so tight. He doesn't care that I've made mistakes in the past, and he doesn't care that I'm not perfect. Fuck, he's written two beautiful poems about me.

We are not falling in love. We are not rushing things, because we are logical. But holy fuck is this shit amazing. Every morning I wake up with a good morning text, whether it actually says "Good Morning" or "Be Amazing Today". Like seriously, I would have to be made of ice not to be touched by this shit.

Noah, I hope this really goes somewhere. I like you more than I've liked anyone in a while, and I want to take care of you. Thank you for everything so far, and I can't wait for this to blossom.

I am the girl who feels intimidated and inadequate.

You know, despite my hard exterior of being super confident and well aware of myself, behind it I feel at times I'm really nothing special and am extremely intimidated by others, and it doesn't take much to get me down. And now that I've moved somewhere like New York City, I'm starting to realize how much the city truly intimidates me.

I am not like a lot of other girls. I do not know fashion inside and out, and of all places to have that fail me, New York City is the worst. I look around and almost everyone is in something trendy and awesome and cute; and then there is me in my tee shirt and jeans. I don't think there is anything WRONG with my tee shirt and jeans, they're comfortable and I quite like them. But now since I've been living her, I feel like it's not good enough, and I'm starting to feel like I'm not good enough. I need to pick up my game, and I need to get trendy fashionable clothes to fit in. But at the same time, I'm not a size 6, nor a size 20, so it's hard to find awesome clothes that fit me right, and the shear gratitude of what effort that would take to be fashionable intimidates me so I just want to hide away.

I am not like a lot of other girls. I mean, I have an okay face, but other than that, there really isn't a lot. Like, there are so many good looking people in New York, and I'm just so average. I'm not earth shatteringly pretty but I guess in Ohio that didn't really matter because compared to those people I was. I mean I know I need to wear makeup because of my skin, and I know I'm not that thin and need to be because I'm really insecure about my body sometimes, especially about my stretch marks.

Maybe this is the reason I've been hiding so much lately, I'm just too intimidated to face this area I'm in. Here I was thinking I was all confident and strong and I feel more and more like I'm just nothing special, at all. I mean, I really am a nerd, even the bad things. I don't know how to dress, I'd rather sit at home and watch Dr. Who than go out and socialize, and I'm too awkward to fit in. I just don't know how I am suppose to compete with the kind of people in New York. I'm really not that awesome. I'm just not good enough. Like, why do I even question to myself why I'm single; of course I'm single. People barely care about what's on the inside, they want a beautiful skinny trendy girl and I'm just not that. I want someone who really fits my standards to see that, but maybe if they hit my standards that puts them high above me and then I'm not good enough for them. Ugh that doesn't make much sense. I just don't want to settle, I want the whole package, but why should I ask for it when I'm not even the whole package.

I feel so terrible. I just want to hide and not even come out unless I'm 20 lbs thinner and actually have an acceptable closet. Maybe this is why I spend so much time on the computer. People on the internet can't judge me on the way I look or dress, they see how my personality is, which can be a lot better than my outside. Basically, Imma be forever alone.

I am the girl who is feeling alone.

Yeah, it's gonna get cliche, and real fast. I've gone through far too many guys this summer to count on one hand, and yeah I'm okay with that and blah blah blah. But as much as one would think that someone like me wouldn't feel lonely because of all the guys that give me attention and what not, they are wrong. I'm only living like this because, well right now it's in my comfort zone. Everything about my life right now is in my comfort zone until I move. I'm doing everything I can to have no connections to anyone around here and just have a warm body next to me one night or another.

...but damn this shit gets old quickly.

I've been told every line in the mother fucking book, and not once, MULTIPLE times. So you would think it wouldn't make a difference to me when someone tells me that they care right? Nope. I'm dumb enough to enjoy those moments every single time (not to an extreme degree mind you). But right now as I was lying in bed I was thinking to myself "I really feel alone". Yeah, I know we all feel alone and what not and I'm not saying that my feeling alone is any different from anyone else's I get that. Just right now, to have someone I could call and talk to who I know actually cares, would mean a hell of a lot, and truth of the matter is I don't get that a lot. And unfortunately, the guys who will give me that, I don't want, because I'm a shallow and picky bitch. I want my cake and I want to eat it too because I have ridiculously high standards....for a said boyfriend at least. Everyone else, just have to be attractive enough I guess.

So what I'm really trying to get at here is that I'm being vulnerable right now in admitting my feelings of loneliness, and I'm okay with it.  I just really wish that a guy I was sincerely attracted to would be there for me to talk to, and I know I may have to wait a pretty damn long time to find that person, but I'm okay with that. It's just in this moment right now, I want to be held. Kissed on the forehead. Cuddled. And reassured that I'm cared about, by a guy who I can look at and appreciate his physical qualities to a tee. Yep, I'm a picky bitch that's whining. And I don't really care. :)

I am the girl who is tired...just so tired.

I have been sleeping a lot lately. And having horrific nightmares where I am beaten until I can't think straight and then no one can see my bruises or bloody marks because it was all a brush of amnesia. So why have I been sleeping so much and having terrible dreams? My stress is starting to control my life, when I'm spending each day doing nothing. Because why? My anxiety is a little bitch.

In the past couple weeks, I've been going through a constant struggle every day to control my anxiety. I don't really talk about my anxiety a lot because it's extremely hard for people to really understand what it's like in my head when it takes a turn for the worst. Let me try and break it down for you, imagine you are standing at the eye of a tornado. You look all around you, nothings quite touching you but everything you need is just flying around you and all you want to do is just grab it an hold onto it. But you can't.  You keep turning around seeing what you need; peace of mind, a healthy relationship, ability to do well in school and what not, completely out of your reach. And then when the storm comes down, you scramble to pick up each little thing, and if you can't, you live in constant fear that the storm will start back up and you'll loose it all again.

I don't want to live like this. This wasn't my choice, this never was. 3 years ago at the age of 15 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, a fairly common disorder in terms of anxiety and easily treatable by medication, otherwise not a big deal really. But for some reason, I never seemed to get over the fact that I had this disease, this issue that required medication for me to be normal. I realized quickly that I wouldn't be able to survive mentally without my medication. I was ashamed to say the least. But why? This would be no different if I had heart palpitations and needed medication in order to live. However, even in that situation I would still feel like a freak for having some sort of disease. I just want to go through a day where I don't have to take my medication, but I know that I have to. I am more than aware that I need my medication, thats why I take it everyday, but I just have an overwhelming feeling of shame about it. I don't know why I do though, because lots of people have anxiety disorders and need medication, I'm really not that different right?

Maybe one day through therapy and lots of help from family and friends I can learn to accept this disability that I have. It's just a lot more painful than people can see. I want to function normally and I don't want to let my stress rule my life. I know that these are just the cards I've been dealt and I must accept them, it's just a lot different when it's invisible. I don't want to ever drive someone away because of all my pent up anxiety or stress or worry-ness, that's why I work so goddamn hard everyday to maintain it and NOT be that basket case I was when I was 15. I just hope that maybe I will get my deserved credit for all the work I've done. It's just when I have fall backs like I've had recently, I tend to reflect on the negative. Again, another trait of us anxiety-ridden folk. However, I know that with each day, I can only grow stronger.

I am a girl who is missing someone.

I know I haven't posted anything on here for a while, so figured it was time for something new.

I hate more than anything that every single day I miss someone who doesn't exist. If you know me, you know that I was in a relationship with a girl for 6 months that had an extremely rocky ending. I won't go into details, but it basically came down to she was very mentally ill and this caused a lot of problems in the relationship. When you date someone who has bipolar disorder and depression, it's an uphill battle to say the least. So you're probably thinking, why would I miss someone who is so severely mentally ill, they are almost incapable of functioning? Because who she pretended to be, who she showed me she was, was one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.

Now, I've dated my fair share of guys, but dating a girl threw me for a loop, one for the first 4 months was a fantastic ride. I have never been that close with someone and this girl and I had not only a relationship, but a friendship that had me thinking I was happier than I've ever been. Dating a woman when you are a woman is so satisfying because you reach a different level of closeness, one that I never thought was even possible. So this girl, who I learned in the end wasn't the girl I thought, made me feel so comfortable, so loved, and so fantastic for the first 4 months of our relationship.

And nobody, yes NObody can cuddle like she did. I miss seeing her face more than anything, by god was she drop dead beautiful. She was funny and smart and clever and loved deeper, stronger than anyone. So yes, I miss her. Now, I know that the girl I miss isn't real but my god, what I wouldn't give to find someone else who processed all her fantastic traits. I don't really feel like dealing with someone else with severe mental issues, IT'S CALLED THERAPY PEOPLE, WORKS WONDERS. I just haven't been able to meet anyone who really reaches my standards at this point enough for me to want to be with them and only them. I don't choose to date multiple people, it's just that I can't really find someone I like enough to settle for them, but even though I'm not seeing only one person, I'm lonely as hell. I want more than anything to have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now, but god knows that finding someone who would want to be my significant other for ya know, a month and a half before I move is nearly impossible. I just miss not only my ex girlfriend, someone to care, someone to really cherish me and make the effort to show me this.

I miss you. </3

I am the girl who is nothing special.

What am I doing up at 2:17 in the morning and on Bloggr writing a post? I don't know really. Oh I bet you expect me to write something about how miserable I am being single and how insecure I truly am right? Ha, that's a good joke. So what exactly do I mean by my title then if it's not going to be a rant about my insecurities. Well, read on.


I really don't know how many people are in the world exactly, I think its something in the trillions? Well any-who, because I'm only 18 years old and have no true idea of who I am and all that, what difference do I really make. My brain is buzzing around with all sorts of thoughts and I'm not going to lie, a lot of them are pretty negative. But I mean come on, for me to bitch about being stressed with school, parent's pressure getting to me, dating is a challenge is a pure joke. That's like 90% of the population. Oh but no, I'm suppose to be different, I've been through things! I've had my heart broken and been cheated on and I'm all guarded and blah blah blah. There really is nothing that special about my life. I am literally a typical 18 year old girl. I think the only thing that makes me truly different is that I realize it, which is probably the main reason I can't stand being around other 18 year olds. I don't think that the world revolves around me, that's a fucking joke. Yeah, I act like it sometimes, hell, most of the time, but I'm not oblivious to the real world. Still, I mean what am I also supposed to seem well rounded because I care about the rest of the world? Well you see, I don't sit there and feel bad 24 hours a day that kids are dying in Africa. Yeah that blows, it also sucks that animals are being abused and that kids are starving, but what the fuck can I do? Oh wait! I'm sure if I donate $10 a month to some organization it's going to make a HUGE difference right! I'm not an idiot...


Okay, maybe sometimes I'm completely naive about the rest of the world, but I'm smart enough to know my place. I'm SUPPOSED to be a self centered insecure 18 year old who has no idea what she wants to do with her life. But you see, this doesn't jive with me. I think because I hate everything about those things that make me 18, I hate other 18 year olds and strive to act so much older. The idea of not feeling unsure about life and not thinking about myself first sounds, fucking amazing. Now I'm working on the whole "not thinking about myself first" shit; I've been working on that for years. However, the whole unsure about life isn't really improving. I have no clue where I'm headed in life, what I want from life or who I want to be, and this stresses me out incredibly. It's probably the reason I want to move and live on my own, it's odd I WANT to feel miserable and alone when I'm actually on my own so I can say I've been there and I'm move experienced. I want to experience everything I can in life and live 0 regrets. However, again this makes me nothing special, because I bet if you ask any other 18 year old girl the same thing she'd give you the same story.


I have to learn to accept that fact that I am nothing special. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from my favorite movie of all time: Fight Club. And I quote from Tyler Durden: "You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
Ain't that the mother fuckin truth. Read it. Learn it. Love it. Live it.

I am the girl who is going to change everything.

This whole "same shit different day" thing is not working for me.
I am going to change myself and my life entirely.
Starting with my location, holy shit I cannot wait to move. I know how much better life is going to be once I'm out and living on my own and so far away from this shit hole town. Also, I don't know how much longer I can stand living with my family. I really need to not feel like I can't do whatever I want anymore, and I need to learn how to be self sufficient. I'm done with things getting handed to me on a sliver platter.
But that's just location, I haven't even begun on myself and my attitude.

In the past few months I have gone through a lot. Some of it has made me stronger, and some of it has completely weakened me. Throughout all of the things I've been through the person who I am right now I don't like. I'm not even going to sugar coat it and say that I really do like who I am deep down. Nope. I hate this person I've become, and I'm going to change it, starting now.

I'm really tired of being the slut. I'm tired of being the girl guys run to when they need a release. I'm tired of being the girl that guys with girlfriends decide is acceptable to let know how "hot" they are and how much they want to fuck. This is getting ridiculous, and it's starting to be a problem. The whole reason guys have seen me this way, is because I present myself this way. did I really know any better? I'm not sure. I have such an intense sex drive that I've tried so hard to hold back, the second I really release it, it got a tad out of control. At first I didn't mind. I was loving it, I loved all the attention, I loved having as many people at my disposal just for sex. However, I quickly realized that this slut of a girl was all they will ever see me as, and there is so much more to me than that. To all my friends and such it seemed to never phase me, I handled it completely and utterly fine. This wasn't the case. I felt horrible about myself. I felt like an empty vessel, wait no, I still feel like an empty vessel. I feel like that I truly mean nothing to most guys there was a possibility I would have feelings for.

So, how am I going to change.

I am going to stop. I'm going to no longer let guys get to see that side of me that easily. I will hold myself back from just exposing this sexual side without a guy treating me the way I need to be treated. I'm going to respect myself enough to make sure that guys will treat me no less than the girl that I really am. This isn't going to be easy though, and I'm going to need a lot of help. I do have a strong support system that will keep me going, or at least I hope. So in a nutshell...


Slut today. April tomorrow.

I am the girl who is starting a blog.

I am a girl, not yet a woman, and I'm going to title every blog with "I am the girl..." until I feel confident enough to say I am a woman.

I think about so many things throughout the day and after a recent trip to Illinois on the 7 hour drive back I had thought it was the best decision to start a blog to put all my thoughts out there because I'm sure I'm not the only one who has thoughts like I do.

So where do I begin....

I'm a different type of girl. I can be funny, witty outgoing, on the ball ad crazy. While I can be quiet introverted and hard to understand. I live every day like it's going to be the last and I live with no regrets. Not a single one. The people I include in my life are extremely important to me in terms of leaning on then when I need someone. I make stupid and impulsive decisions. I try so hard to be something I'm not sometimes. I am caring and loving and have a completely open heart to all who want to include themselves in it. I can be insecure and self conscious and annoying sometimes, so in fact, I'm not quite sure how different I really am. I try to be honest with myself and my emotions the best I can so maybe that's what makes me different? Who truly knows. Read on to find out.