I have been sleeping a lot lately. And having horrific nightmares where I am beaten until I can't think straight and then no one can see my bruises or bloody marks because it was all a brush of amnesia. So why have I been sleeping so much and having terrible dreams? My stress is starting to control my life, when I'm spending each day doing nothing. Because why? My anxiety is a little bitch.
In the past couple weeks, I've been going through a constant struggle every day to control my anxiety. I don't really talk about my anxiety a lot because it's extremely hard for people to really understand what it's like in my head when it takes a turn for the worst. Let me try and break it down for you, imagine you are standing at the eye of a tornado. You look all around you, nothings quite touching you but everything you need is just flying around you and all you want to do is just grab it an hold onto it. But you can't. You keep turning around seeing what you need; peace of mind, a healthy relationship, ability to do well in school and what not, completely out of your reach. And then when the storm comes down, you scramble to pick up each little thing, and if you can't, you live in constant fear that the storm will start back up and you'll loose it all again.
I don't want to live like this. This wasn't my choice, this never was. 3 years ago at the age of 15 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, a fairly common disorder in terms of anxiety and easily treatable by medication, otherwise not a big deal really. But for some reason, I never seemed to get over the fact that I had this disease, this issue that required medication for me to be normal. I realized quickly that I wouldn't be able to survive mentally without my medication. I was ashamed to say the least. But why? This would be no different if I had heart palpitations and needed medication in order to live. However, even in that situation I would still feel like a freak for having some sort of disease. I just want to go through a day where I don't have to take my medication, but I know that I have to. I am more than aware that I need my medication, thats why I take it everyday, but I just have an overwhelming feeling of shame about it. I don't know why I do though, because lots of people have anxiety disorders and need medication, I'm really not that different right?
Maybe one day through therapy and lots of help from family and friends I can learn to accept this disability that I have. It's just a lot more painful than people can see. I want to function normally and I don't want to let my stress rule my life. I know that these are just the cards I've been dealt and I must accept them, it's just a lot different when it's invisible. I don't want to ever drive someone away because of all my pent up anxiety or stress or worry-ness, that's why I work so goddamn hard everyday to maintain it and NOT be that basket case I was when I was 15. I just hope that maybe I will get my deserved credit for all the work I've done. It's just when I have fall backs like I've had recently, I tend to reflect on the negative. Again, another trait of us anxiety-ridden folk. However, I know that with each day, I can only grow stronger.
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