This whole "same shit different day" thing is not working for me.
I am going to change myself and my life entirely.
Starting with my location, holy shit I cannot wait to move. I know how much better life is going to be once I'm out and living on my own and so far away from this shit hole town. Also, I don't know how much longer I can stand living with my family. I really need to not feel like I can't do whatever I want anymore, and I need to learn how to be self sufficient. I'm done with things getting handed to me on a sliver platter.
But that's just location, I haven't even begun on myself and my attitude.
In the past few months I have gone through a lot. Some of it has made me stronger, and some of it has completely weakened me. Throughout all of the things I've been through the person who I am right now I don't like. I'm not even going to sugar coat it and say that I really do like who I am deep down. Nope. I hate this person I've become, and I'm going to change it, starting now.
I'm really tired of being the slut. I'm tired of being the girl guys run to when they need a release. I'm tired of being the girl that guys with girlfriends decide is acceptable to let know how "hot" they are and how much they want to fuck. This is getting ridiculous, and it's starting to be a problem. The whole reason guys have seen me this way, is because I present myself this way. did I really know any better? I'm not sure. I have such an intense sex drive that I've tried so hard to hold back, the second I really release it, it got a tad out of control. At first I didn't mind. I was loving it, I loved all the attention, I loved having as many people at my disposal just for sex. However, I quickly realized that this slut of a girl was all they will ever see me as, and there is so much more to me than that. To all my friends and such it seemed to never phase me, I handled it completely and utterly fine. This wasn't the case. I felt horrible about myself. I felt like an empty vessel, wait no, I still feel like an empty vessel. I feel like that I truly mean nothing to most guys there was a possibility I would have feelings for.
So, how am I going to change.
I am going to stop. I'm going to no longer let guys get to see that side of me that easily. I will hold myself back from just exposing this sexual side without a guy treating me the way I need to be treated. I'm going to respect myself enough to make sure that guys will treat me no less than the girl that I really am. This isn't going to be easy though, and I'm going to need a lot of help. I do have a strong support system that will keep me going, or at least I hope. So in a nutshell...
Slut today. April tomorrow.
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