I don't know what else to do other than to write out how I'm feeling. In fact, it's the only way I know how to healthfully cope with my emotions. I feel so many different things these days, it's hard to keep my head straight. Tuesday it'll be 5 weeks since you left me, and I wish my heart wasn't still broken.
I keep telling myself that I deserve better than you. That I'm stronger than you and that I can take care of myself just fine. That if we were truly meant to be together none of this would have happened. But every day at some point (almost always at night), the thoughts and feelings of what we had come flooding back into my brain. There's still such a huge part of me that can't even believed how this all happened. How you treated me, how you broke my trust and my heart. But I can't keep denying that those were your actions and they spoke louder than any of the nights I came to you and unveiled my true self to you and you held me and told me it was all going to be okay.
I miss the security. I miss the trust and the connection that we had. Sometimes I have these thoughts that maybe if I came to you we could work this out but that's a horrible idea. You don't deserve that. You deserve to feel miserable and miss me so much it kills you inside, at least that's how it feels for me. For years, I hated myself because I could never fully control my emotions. I was always overwhelmed with them and I didn't know how to get a grip on them until I started really getting into therapy with meds. I've come such a long way from where I've been, but there's still always going to be a part of me that's ashamed of how emotional I am.
I trusted you with all my heart. You were the only person I felt like my emotions weren't ever going to drive you away, when in fact they did. Everyone says it's not about me it's about you, but I know deep down that there is a part of it that does have to do with me. I know it's terrible that you left me the way you did especially when I needed you, but I'm not surprised. I know I'm a burden to handle. That's why I was always so grateful for you. I used to remember when we were lying in bed, holding each other and falling asleep that I had never felt more safe in my entire life. That nothing could harm me because you were there. I thought you could protect me from myself because you loved me for who I really was. At least I thought you did. I loved more than anything being able to pour myself out to you and know you were there to cushion me, make me feel like my emotions weren't a bad thing. You were so good about letting me get every emotion I ever had out so I didn't have to hold it in, even if it was yelling at you. I hate how good you were to me. I hate how the connection we had was so fucking intense and pure and it meant nothing to you in the end. I was, and still am so in love with you and what we had, and there's so much of me that believes that no one will ever love me like you did.
As much as I want to hold out for you, I also don't. I'm so hurt by what you did, how you treated me, how you abandoned me that I don't think I could ever really trust you again. Any time my emotions would get overwhelming there would always be a part of me scared you'd run off again because it was too much. The fact of the matter is I don't know if anyone is ever going to be able to handle me at my core. Who I truly am. The one person I thought really did couldn't even do it, so how is there someone else who can? I don't want to be alone. I want to feel loved and I want to share my life with someone. I wanted to share my life with you, you were all I wanted and you didn't want me back. I miss you so much, every day and it kills me how you just can't leave my brain. I stopped seeing you in as many things as I used to, but I still see the occasionally reminder of our relationship and it feels like a dagger is being jammed into my heart. I don't know what happened to us, I don't know where everything went wrong and I can't bring myself to put all the blame on you. The saddest thing I can admit to myself right now is that I truly believe I can never be genuinely who I am with someone. I thought I could, I really did but after all this, I don't wanna put myself through that. I wanna go back to the way I was with hiding my emotions because I don't know, it seems life is easier for everyone else that way.
I was so sure about us for our entire relationship. Not a single day (until the week before you left me) did I ever doubt that our relationship would last. That's the most heartbreaking thing about all this. I was fucking blindsided. I hate to admit how broken I still am but I can't run away from it. The thought of even slightly emotionally opening up to someone else makes me sick because I don't know if I ever can. I want what we had. I want to feel like regardless of how fucked up I am, I'm still allowed to be fucked up and wonderful at the same time. There's a new guy I'm talking to and it's nothing serious but he's coming here this weekend and I keep telling myself to hide how broken I am from him. The last thing I need is for another guy to see another fucked up girl who's still hurt and hung up from her ex. I have to put on my face that I have my shit together and I'm fine and that I don't need anyone. But I do need people. I need human emotional contact. I have that with my closer friends and family and I'm so happy I do. I just don't want to be alone with my emotions for the rest of my life. Nothing scares me more than that. Because every time I've been left alone with them my whole world goes belly up because I can't even handle my emotions. And if I can't, than how is anyone else suppose to either? I guess I was really the stupid one for thinking that I could show my true self to someone I loved and trusted. I should have known that it was all going to fall apart, I was just delusional. I was in love, and I still am. I hate how much I fucking love you and how no matter how many times I tell myself that you're a piece of shit and a horrible person that I just want you to show up at my door step so I can wrap my arms around you again. I'm such a fucking mess and no one will ever want to be with me and I don't blame them. I just wish I didn't have to be alone.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I am the girl who has been abandoned.
The man that I was so sure about and so in love with, has up and left me as of a month ago. It was one of the most shocking and heartbreaking things that I've had to deal with in awhile. It had been built up over time due to issues Jacob was hiding from me. But it was the week where each day my heart broke more and more, that shattered me the most.
Early May, my anxiety isn't doing well. I'm having a flare up due to graduation coming up and figuring out where to go with my life. Jacob and I go to look at apartments in Knoxville and we have a wonderful time together. But we got in a couple fights, because of my anxiety and I thought I had admitted it to him. We're scheduled to go to a wedding in a couple weeks in Texas, but unsure how to get there. Plane's are too expensive so we planned to use my car. Jacob didn't really want to go to the wedding but I figured if we went together it would be better. I bought a whole new outfit, dress, jewelry, shoes, so I wouldn't scare off his very conservative family. A week before the wedding I get a call from Jacob. He tells me he doesn't want to move in with me anymore. I'm completely shocked and bewildered since he has not given me any single sign that he was feeling this way previously. When we were looking at the one place I saw him get just as excited about it as I did. This seemed to just drop out of the sky. I said we'd talk about it, and the week got even worse. I had been also noticing for the past month or so that Jacob was being different. Not massively, just not as sweet as he used to be. We had a great time when we were together in Knoxville, but there were just little signs all showing me that there was something wrong. Back in April he was being so cute and so sweet and exactly the wonderful man I had fallen in love with so hard. I don't know what happened, but he just wasn't as sweet on me anymore. Didn't say as many cute things as he used to, things like "I wish you were here" and "I miss you so much", or "you mean so much to me". It was bland. I felt unloved. My anxiety was crushing me the moment I noticed it and I tried to tell him. I thought he understood, I thought he could see where I was coming from but he didn't. Because he didn't change. I tried to have another conversation with him about it again but he was too drunk to remember it. That's what I get for calling him when he was out with his friends. I know how much he hated that. I hated doing it. After the whole "I don't want to move in with you thing" I was kind of freaking out. I had no idea what was going on in my relationship and I was terrified, and things with Jacob got worse and worse.
As it got closer to the wedding, we were trying to figure out a different plan of how to get there. My car was in no shape to do the drive, but Jacob and I had both already called off the weekend of work. He suggested I come to Knoxville to see him, but I said I wasn't sure because of what had been going on. He then said "Well, I think I'm gonna go to the wedding alone then." And he took a ride with his step sister and went and had just a fabulous time without me. I was furious. I was steaming I was so angry with how all of this was falling apart so quickly. It was breaking me. I called him and let out all my anger and frustration on him because he deserved to know how upset he made me. It led to us not speaking for a few days, which I thought would give him time to reflect on how much he loved me. I thought the wedding of all places would be the best because it would make him think of me and us. But it did the exact opposite. It scared him completely away from me.
He texted me when he left Texas, telling me just how fun it was, how he got emotional at the wedding, and how he got too drunk at the reception. I kept waiting for him to say something sweet, something like the normal Jacob would if we hadn't talked for a few days. But no. It broke me even further. It felt like having to pull teeth to even hear him say "I love you" anymore. When he got home that's when he did it. When he called me and decided that it was the time to go. It was time to run away and not look back. It was a long conversation. I kept trying to plead for our relationship, but he thought it was horrible. He thought our ship was sinking, but it was just a bigger leak than we had expected. He wasn't willing to work through it though. It scared him that I needed him to lean on with my anxiety, and it scared him to have a life with me. He didn't want to commit he told me that straight to me. The guy who had a long-distance 5-hour drive relationship for over a year told me he couldn't commit. The guy who had asked me how I'd feel if he proposed to me at the end of the year told me our relationship wasn't going to work anymore because it was just "too hard". The guy who looked me straight in my eyes and told me it was going to take more than my emotional insecurities to push him away, left me. They pushed him away. He lied to me. He broke my heart. He shattered the most amazing time in my life, and didn't seem to care. Now I see he's been partying more, and he sent me a picture of him doing acid. That's what he left out relationship for. To be a college frat boy and do trippy drugs because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Fuck that. Fuck him.
This month has killed me. I don't expect you to call me anymore, but the hope that my phone will buzz and it will be your name on my id calling me has never ever faded, not even a little. Is it so much for me to expect you to come back and apologize? Or is that just too hard for you? Is it too hard to own up to the fact that you chickened out and hurt the most wonderful woman you could ever have? That our whole relationship of love and passion and trust and security was truly built on nothing? You are a piece of shit. You are a huge piece of shit for what you did to me. Doing this to someone takes a lot of fucking shittyness inside of them, that I used to think you weren't even capable of. But now I know that's the real you. A huge fucking coward piece of shit who refuses to own up to his true feelings and fight for the woman he loves because he's too scared.
I bet he doesn't even check my tumblr or my instagram or anything. I bet you he just gave up and forgotten about me. I bet that he doesn't even cry when he thinks about what he did to me. Because if he did, he'd be the person that I thought. And that you have the heart that I thought you did, you would have come back. I didn't think this would last a whole month, but to me it feels like a year. To have been completely abandoned like that. You don't even care about my pain. You just want to live your life without me. All that love that you had for me has evaporated and it is the greatest pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not going to beg for you back. In fact that's exactly what you should have done. You should have grown a fucking pair and owned up to the fact that you were terrified of moving in together and that my anxiety was overwhelming you on top of your own issues. You couldn't tell me that and you hid it from me and you let it build into what ended us. You lied to me. I gave you the most honest relationship of my life and you end it by lying to me. Do you have any idea how happy I would have been if you would have just told me you're scared like, WHEN YOU FIRST FELT IT. We could have worked out me not living together in a smoother way, but no. You had to hide it and let it build up and then drop it like a bomb on top of me.
I hate how much I miss you. I hate how much I still love you and can't stop thinking about you. I hate that I still love you. I should hate you. I should want you out of my life forever for what you did, but I can't. There's something in my heart that is still so tied to you that I can't unbreak it. Trying to move on from you has been the hardest thing for me in a really long time. I trusted you and I loved you with all of my heart and you just left me and broke me. I don't care if everyone sees this. I was to expose you for the piece of shit you are for leaving me. For being the true coward that you are. Every second, every MOMENT, that you do not come to me with an apology and beg for me back I think about telling you no more and more. Honestly, right now if you were to come to me and apologize and beg for me, I would make you come up here immediately and we would work this out face to face. But you're not gonna do that for me. You wouldn't. It's too much work. I'm too much work for you. The woman who gave you fucking EVERYTHING is too much for you. God I can't even believe that you sat there and lied to me about our relationship. What kills me is I know you sleep at night just fine. Maybe it's the alcohol, weed, and whatever fucking other drugs you're doing but you're doing all of it to avoid the pain of how badly you fucked up. How you fucked up big time and how painful it is that you have quite possibly lost every chance of ever getting me back. That love isn't in your heart anymore. That love that you had for me, that fake as fuck love that you told me I was always going to have doesn't do me shit. It doesn't make you fight for me. It doesn't make you apologize and your heart has swallowed it whole and forgotten about it completely.
I used to think you were one of the most emotionally stable people I had ever met. I used to think that you were so loving and kind and caring to your core because that's all I ever saw of you. You wore your heart on your sleeve and I did too and that's what I loved about you so much. I emotionally related to you, the first person in my life that I ever truly trusted with my emotions. But you broke it. You broke every form of trust I have ever had for you. And you're showing me that you have no wonderful warm heart and soul. If you did you would have come back by now. If you really loved me, you should have come back by now. How long is it gonna take for you to realize how bad you fucked up? You're gonna wait juuuuuuuuuuust long enough until I'm finally fucking ready to move on aren't you? or just pop up out of the blue or something, but whatever or whenever it happens, the fact is it's not happening now. And it hasn't happened. It should have.
I hope you read this. I normally would never hope bad emotions on people, but you? I want you to feel them all at once. I want you to feel a 1/10 of the pain that I have been feeling since being abandoned by you. What's your side of the story huh? What do you tell everybody? That I was "crazy" "psycho" or "clingly" BECAUSE I NEEDED TO FUCKING LEAN ON YOU? BECAUSE I WAS EMOTIONALLY DEBILITATED, JUST LIKE YOU HAD BEEN, AND I WANTED YOUR HELP AND YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT. God fuck you, you fucking fuck. Fuck you for leaving me, fuck you for breaking my heart, fuck you for not coming back for me, and fuck you for giving up on me. Oh, and one last fuck you for lying to me.
You better count your fucking blessings you ever get a second chance with me. But knowing the coward and bastard that you are you won't be willing to put the work into it. Remember when I used to be worth it to you? Piece of shit.
Early May, my anxiety isn't doing well. I'm having a flare up due to graduation coming up and figuring out where to go with my life. Jacob and I go to look at apartments in Knoxville and we have a wonderful time together. But we got in a couple fights, because of my anxiety and I thought I had admitted it to him. We're scheduled to go to a wedding in a couple weeks in Texas, but unsure how to get there. Plane's are too expensive so we planned to use my car. Jacob didn't really want to go to the wedding but I figured if we went together it would be better. I bought a whole new outfit, dress, jewelry, shoes, so I wouldn't scare off his very conservative family. A week before the wedding I get a call from Jacob. He tells me he doesn't want to move in with me anymore. I'm completely shocked and bewildered since he has not given me any single sign that he was feeling this way previously. When we were looking at the one place I saw him get just as excited about it as I did. This seemed to just drop out of the sky. I said we'd talk about it, and the week got even worse. I had been also noticing for the past month or so that Jacob was being different. Not massively, just not as sweet as he used to be. We had a great time when we were together in Knoxville, but there were just little signs all showing me that there was something wrong. Back in April he was being so cute and so sweet and exactly the wonderful man I had fallen in love with so hard. I don't know what happened, but he just wasn't as sweet on me anymore. Didn't say as many cute things as he used to, things like "I wish you were here" and "I miss you so much", or "you mean so much to me". It was bland. I felt unloved. My anxiety was crushing me the moment I noticed it and I tried to tell him. I thought he understood, I thought he could see where I was coming from but he didn't. Because he didn't change. I tried to have another conversation with him about it again but he was too drunk to remember it. That's what I get for calling him when he was out with his friends. I know how much he hated that. I hated doing it. After the whole "I don't want to move in with you thing" I was kind of freaking out. I had no idea what was going on in my relationship and I was terrified, and things with Jacob got worse and worse.
As it got closer to the wedding, we were trying to figure out a different plan of how to get there. My car was in no shape to do the drive, but Jacob and I had both already called off the weekend of work. He suggested I come to Knoxville to see him, but I said I wasn't sure because of what had been going on. He then said "Well, I think I'm gonna go to the wedding alone then." And he took a ride with his step sister and went and had just a fabulous time without me. I was furious. I was steaming I was so angry with how all of this was falling apart so quickly. It was breaking me. I called him and let out all my anger and frustration on him because he deserved to know how upset he made me. It led to us not speaking for a few days, which I thought would give him time to reflect on how much he loved me. I thought the wedding of all places would be the best because it would make him think of me and us. But it did the exact opposite. It scared him completely away from me.
He texted me when he left Texas, telling me just how fun it was, how he got emotional at the wedding, and how he got too drunk at the reception. I kept waiting for him to say something sweet, something like the normal Jacob would if we hadn't talked for a few days. But no. It broke me even further. It felt like having to pull teeth to even hear him say "I love you" anymore. When he got home that's when he did it. When he called me and decided that it was the time to go. It was time to run away and not look back. It was a long conversation. I kept trying to plead for our relationship, but he thought it was horrible. He thought our ship was sinking, but it was just a bigger leak than we had expected. He wasn't willing to work through it though. It scared him that I needed him to lean on with my anxiety, and it scared him to have a life with me. He didn't want to commit he told me that straight to me. The guy who had a long-distance 5-hour drive relationship for over a year told me he couldn't commit. The guy who had asked me how I'd feel if he proposed to me at the end of the year told me our relationship wasn't going to work anymore because it was just "too hard". The guy who looked me straight in my eyes and told me it was going to take more than my emotional insecurities to push him away, left me. They pushed him away. He lied to me. He broke my heart. He shattered the most amazing time in my life, and didn't seem to care. Now I see he's been partying more, and he sent me a picture of him doing acid. That's what he left out relationship for. To be a college frat boy and do trippy drugs because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Fuck that. Fuck him.
This month has killed me. I don't expect you to call me anymore, but the hope that my phone will buzz and it will be your name on my id calling me has never ever faded, not even a little. Is it so much for me to expect you to come back and apologize? Or is that just too hard for you? Is it too hard to own up to the fact that you chickened out and hurt the most wonderful woman you could ever have? That our whole relationship of love and passion and trust and security was truly built on nothing? You are a piece of shit. You are a huge piece of shit for what you did to me. Doing this to someone takes a lot of fucking shittyness inside of them, that I used to think you weren't even capable of. But now I know that's the real you. A huge fucking coward piece of shit who refuses to own up to his true feelings and fight for the woman he loves because he's too scared.
I bet he doesn't even check my tumblr or my instagram or anything. I bet you he just gave up and forgotten about me. I bet that he doesn't even cry when he thinks about what he did to me. Because if he did, he'd be the person that I thought. And that you have the heart that I thought you did, you would have come back. I didn't think this would last a whole month, but to me it feels like a year. To have been completely abandoned like that. You don't even care about my pain. You just want to live your life without me. All that love that you had for me has evaporated and it is the greatest pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not going to beg for you back. In fact that's exactly what you should have done. You should have grown a fucking pair and owned up to the fact that you were terrified of moving in together and that my anxiety was overwhelming you on top of your own issues. You couldn't tell me that and you hid it from me and you let it build into what ended us. You lied to me. I gave you the most honest relationship of my life and you end it by lying to me. Do you have any idea how happy I would have been if you would have just told me you're scared like, WHEN YOU FIRST FELT IT. We could have worked out me not living together in a smoother way, but no. You had to hide it and let it build up and then drop it like a bomb on top of me.
I hate how much I miss you. I hate how much I still love you and can't stop thinking about you. I hate that I still love you. I should hate you. I should want you out of my life forever for what you did, but I can't. There's something in my heart that is still so tied to you that I can't unbreak it. Trying to move on from you has been the hardest thing for me in a really long time. I trusted you and I loved you with all of my heart and you just left me and broke me. I don't care if everyone sees this. I was to expose you for the piece of shit you are for leaving me. For being the true coward that you are. Every second, every MOMENT, that you do not come to me with an apology and beg for me back I think about telling you no more and more. Honestly, right now if you were to come to me and apologize and beg for me, I would make you come up here immediately and we would work this out face to face. But you're not gonna do that for me. You wouldn't. It's too much work. I'm too much work for you. The woman who gave you fucking EVERYTHING is too much for you. God I can't even believe that you sat there and lied to me about our relationship. What kills me is I know you sleep at night just fine. Maybe it's the alcohol, weed, and whatever fucking other drugs you're doing but you're doing all of it to avoid the pain of how badly you fucked up. How you fucked up big time and how painful it is that you have quite possibly lost every chance of ever getting me back. That love isn't in your heart anymore. That love that you had for me, that fake as fuck love that you told me I was always going to have doesn't do me shit. It doesn't make you fight for me. It doesn't make you apologize and your heart has swallowed it whole and forgotten about it completely.
I used to think you were one of the most emotionally stable people I had ever met. I used to think that you were so loving and kind and caring to your core because that's all I ever saw of you. You wore your heart on your sleeve and I did too and that's what I loved about you so much. I emotionally related to you, the first person in my life that I ever truly trusted with my emotions. But you broke it. You broke every form of trust I have ever had for you. And you're showing me that you have no wonderful warm heart and soul. If you did you would have come back by now. If you really loved me, you should have come back by now. How long is it gonna take for you to realize how bad you fucked up? You're gonna wait juuuuuuuuuuust long enough until I'm finally fucking ready to move on aren't you? or just pop up out of the blue or something, but whatever or whenever it happens, the fact is it's not happening now. And it hasn't happened. It should have.
I hope you read this. I normally would never hope bad emotions on people, but you? I want you to feel them all at once. I want you to feel a 1/10 of the pain that I have been feeling since being abandoned by you. What's your side of the story huh? What do you tell everybody? That I was "crazy" "psycho" or "clingly" BECAUSE I NEEDED TO FUCKING LEAN ON YOU? BECAUSE I WAS EMOTIONALLY DEBILITATED, JUST LIKE YOU HAD BEEN, AND I WANTED YOUR HELP AND YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT. God fuck you, you fucking fuck. Fuck you for leaving me, fuck you for breaking my heart, fuck you for not coming back for me, and fuck you for giving up on me. Oh, and one last fuck you for lying to me.
You better count your fucking blessings you ever get a second chance with me. But knowing the coward and bastard that you are you won't be willing to put the work into it. Remember when I used to be worth it to you? Piece of shit.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
I am the girl who is turning into a woman.
That might be a stretch because I feel like calling myself a "woman" is still too far out for me right now, but I'm making progress.
Anyways, life has been kind of wonderful for me these past many months, and I really feel like I'm working my way up in life.
I have found a person to share my life with. I have found that person that understands me on a level so deep I didn't even know it existed until we met. I have found that person who makes every insecurity of mine melt away in his arms. I have found the person who is going to mean the most to me. And his name is Jacob.
We started dating roughly a year ago (give a month) and it's crazy how much I wake up everyday feeling in love with him. There has yet to be any dull or lack of spark between our connection and how we feel about each other, which is the most wonderful feeling. This is the longest I've ever been with somebody and I plan to keep it going as long as I can. Jacob is the most caring, supportive, encouraging, loving, kind, person I know. He's also brilliant, but dorky and funny and he can say the littlest thing to make me beam. I feel out of every relationship I've had before him, that he is the one that our love is the strongest love I've ever felt before. He is the one who has not only added so much to my life by being my boyfriend and friend, but he has added to my growth as a person. He has taught me so many things, and he continues to assist me in any way I may need. He supports me more than anything and never puts me on a pedestal. I think you get the jist here, Jacob's the shit and I'm probs gonna marry him.
I have also started moving forward with my possible career. I'm 4 months from graduating from Wright State University with my B.A. in Psychology and minor in Sexuality Studies. I have been interning at the Planned Parenthood location in Dayton since January and I have loved every moment of it. Very recently I have stumbled upon a golden opportunity of possibly standing my career at Planned Parenthood. There is an opening for a position of Health Educator/Community Outreach at a Planned Parenthood location in Birmingham, Alabama. Although for the past few months I have been planning to move to Knoxville with Jacob, this opportunity completely changes my course of thinking. I have a friend in Alabama who said I would love it there and has friends I could possibly live with if Jacob can't come with me. The salary on this position is $45,000 which is EXTREMELY good to get after getting out of college. Basically, I'm going to do everything I can to get this job. I have already talked to my supervisor about writing me a letter of recommendation and she agreed to look over/edit my resume and cover letter and basically just help me apply for the position. I plan to do it next week sometime, hopefully that won't be too late. I really don't know what's going to happen, but I'm really striving for this. Also, I totally understand that there's a huge chance I won't get it since I'm from OH and not AL and it's kind of random and there's lots of competition but we'll see!
In an ever lesser time, within the next two weeks I'll be going to Wisconsin with Jacob for the Midwest Gaming Classic which holds a Tetris Tournament which I am going to be competing in. There is a possibility of winning $5,000 (At least it says on the website) so I'm trying to practice really hard cause holy shit do I need the money, Basically, there's a lot going on in my life right now and I'm really happy about all of it because it's things I am making happen. I am in control of my life and it feels amazing.
Not to go off on another course, but a lot of this growth has come from my parent's separation and my lack of relationship I've chosen to have with my mother. Her and I have had quite our issues and with the way she's been behaving since my Dad moved in with me and they actually started working on the divorce, I don't really want to have a relationship with her. She's not the kind of person I want or need to be around because she's not good for my mental health. I have to focus on myself and growing as an adult and I need to cut her off from manipulatively controlling parts of my life. If she saw that sentence she would probably cringe then scream because she'd never admit to it. But it's true, she had a significant emotional impact on me and I needed to sever myself from her. And I swear, it is the BEST thing I have done. Separating myself from my mom and my sister has made my life like a lot better. Which sounds terrible, but it's true. I don't like them, I don't like being around them, and I'm happiest with them in very very small doses. This is what's great about being an adult now, is that I don't have to be close with my family if I don't want to. There's nothing keeping me attached to my mom and sister. If I'm going to have a family I want it to have a healthy, supportive, and non-threatening environment, and until I work through the issues I have with my mom it's never going to be like that around her. She just may be the kind of person I can't be around, and I'm a better person when I'm not around her. That sounds so bad but I think it's true. She's pushed me so far away now, I'm able to truly see her and who she is as a person and not just my mom. And I don't like what I see. At least for now. My hope, is that this divorce is draining her emotionally so she's at a weakened state, and isn't at her best mom mode, because she has a lot of wonderful moments. I'm not saying this to excuse her behavior, because trust me, I'm not putting up with that kind of shit anymore. But maybe someday she'll get her shit together and we can enjoy each other's time together. I'd love that, I'd really really love that. But just not now.
April, when you read this later on just know one thing about this time in your life. You were happy. You were strong. You were loved. You were doing amazing. It's good to be proud of yourself.
P.S. You and Mallory just reconciled and you guys are friends again. It's better to have her in your life.
Anyways, life has been kind of wonderful for me these past many months, and I really feel like I'm working my way up in life.
I have found a person to share my life with. I have found that person that understands me on a level so deep I didn't even know it existed until we met. I have found that person who makes every insecurity of mine melt away in his arms. I have found the person who is going to mean the most to me. And his name is Jacob.
We started dating roughly a year ago (give a month) and it's crazy how much I wake up everyday feeling in love with him. There has yet to be any dull or lack of spark between our connection and how we feel about each other, which is the most wonderful feeling. This is the longest I've ever been with somebody and I plan to keep it going as long as I can. Jacob is the most caring, supportive, encouraging, loving, kind, person I know. He's also brilliant, but dorky and funny and he can say the littlest thing to make me beam. I feel out of every relationship I've had before him, that he is the one that our love is the strongest love I've ever felt before. He is the one who has not only added so much to my life by being my boyfriend and friend, but he has added to my growth as a person. He has taught me so many things, and he continues to assist me in any way I may need. He supports me more than anything and never puts me on a pedestal. I think you get the jist here, Jacob's the shit and I'm probs gonna marry him.
I have also started moving forward with my possible career. I'm 4 months from graduating from Wright State University with my B.A. in Psychology and minor in Sexuality Studies. I have been interning at the Planned Parenthood location in Dayton since January and I have loved every moment of it. Very recently I have stumbled upon a golden opportunity of possibly standing my career at Planned Parenthood. There is an opening for a position of Health Educator/Community Outreach at a Planned Parenthood location in Birmingham, Alabama. Although for the past few months I have been planning to move to Knoxville with Jacob, this opportunity completely changes my course of thinking. I have a friend in Alabama who said I would love it there and has friends I could possibly live with if Jacob can't come with me. The salary on this position is $45,000 which is EXTREMELY good to get after getting out of college. Basically, I'm going to do everything I can to get this job. I have already talked to my supervisor about writing me a letter of recommendation and she agreed to look over/edit my resume and cover letter and basically just help me apply for the position. I plan to do it next week sometime, hopefully that won't be too late. I really don't know what's going to happen, but I'm really striving for this. Also, I totally understand that there's a huge chance I won't get it since I'm from OH and not AL and it's kind of random and there's lots of competition but we'll see!
In an ever lesser time, within the next two weeks I'll be going to Wisconsin with Jacob for the Midwest Gaming Classic which holds a Tetris Tournament which I am going to be competing in. There is a possibility of winning $5,000 (At least it says on the website) so I'm trying to practice really hard cause holy shit do I need the money, Basically, there's a lot going on in my life right now and I'm really happy about all of it because it's things I am making happen. I am in control of my life and it feels amazing.
Not to go off on another course, but a lot of this growth has come from my parent's separation and my lack of relationship I've chosen to have with my mother. Her and I have had quite our issues and with the way she's been behaving since my Dad moved in with me and they actually started working on the divorce, I don't really want to have a relationship with her. She's not the kind of person I want or need to be around because she's not good for my mental health. I have to focus on myself and growing as an adult and I need to cut her off from manipulatively controlling parts of my life. If she saw that sentence she would probably cringe then scream because she'd never admit to it. But it's true, she had a significant emotional impact on me and I needed to sever myself from her. And I swear, it is the BEST thing I have done. Separating myself from my mom and my sister has made my life like a lot better. Which sounds terrible, but it's true. I don't like them, I don't like being around them, and I'm happiest with them in very very small doses. This is what's great about being an adult now, is that I don't have to be close with my family if I don't want to. There's nothing keeping me attached to my mom and sister. If I'm going to have a family I want it to have a healthy, supportive, and non-threatening environment, and until I work through the issues I have with my mom it's never going to be like that around her. She just may be the kind of person I can't be around, and I'm a better person when I'm not around her. That sounds so bad but I think it's true. She's pushed me so far away now, I'm able to truly see her and who she is as a person and not just my mom. And I don't like what I see. At least for now. My hope, is that this divorce is draining her emotionally so she's at a weakened state, and isn't at her best mom mode, because she has a lot of wonderful moments. I'm not saying this to excuse her behavior, because trust me, I'm not putting up with that kind of shit anymore. But maybe someday she'll get her shit together and we can enjoy each other's time together. I'd love that, I'd really really love that. But just not now.
April, when you read this later on just know one thing about this time in your life. You were happy. You were strong. You were loved. You were doing amazing. It's good to be proud of yourself.
P.S. You and Mallory just reconciled and you guys are friends again. It's better to have her in your life.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
I am the girl who has lost her best friend.
Well, it's almost been technically a year since I've been here. I have been putting a lot of my time into my tumblr in terms of emotional spurts of intense emotion (unintended redundancy), but this is something I want to put here.
Just to give a quick update to where I'm at now:
I'm about to start my final year of college this fall and turn 21 (fucking finally). I have a different boyfriend, Jacob, who I met through tumblr and he's a remarkable human being who I can barely find words to describe. I have recovered from a serious depression I had from November of 2012, to about January, early February of 2013, however I gained about 20 lbs from it and am trying to lose weight but it's not going so well. I just started a new job at a retirement home in Yellow Springs and so far I actually like it there. But, that all isn't stuff I really feel like writing about right now.
I haven't always been the greatest when it comes to making friends. I've gained and lost many friends in my life and have always let it affect my self-esteem which I know is silly but oh well. I had a best friend for many many years, whose name was Mallory and I put a lot of myself into her. But, a few weeks ago we had our falling out, which was really unexpected (for me at least) and has really gotten me down. The details of how it all escalated aren't really important, and frankly I don't feel like drudging up those feelings again. But basically, it was a disagreement of emotions and buttons were pushed and things were said and done and now we're no longer friends. I was very very hurt from the whole incident. I still am. It puts a knot in my stomach every time I think about it. I had been waving on the idea of writing her a letter to apologize for what had happen and ask for when she was ready to have a conversation about our relationship because there were some things we needed to discuss. However, tonight I found that she wrote a very long post about me and about what had happened. It mainly said that she doesn't really like me as a person and want me as a friend in her life anymore, and she's glad that this whole thing happened and still is upset about the same things that the whole thing blew up about in the first place. It clearly decided for me that I'm not going to write her that letter because she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.
So, I feel hurt, obviously. And sad, and even angry. I wish I was worth it to her. To keep fighting for our friendship. I wish I hadn't done and said the things I did to help this whole thing escalate to such a degree. I wish that she would be willing to sit down and discuss all of this with me and consider that this situation isn't so black and white. But mostly, I wish that she had been able to end my friendship with me on somewhat better terms. I understand that I am not the easiest person to be friends with. I'm annoying, and needy, and intense and emotional. That's a lot for most people to handle. I know I can be too loud and obnoxious and get so drunk I can't take care of myself. It's just, I really don't understand how all of that could be so bad. I mean yeah, I'm not perfect, but I'm not necessarily that bad either. I know that she feels I'm playing the victim role and I often do, which I'm not going to say I don't. And she also feels that I put myself above others and again, I'm not going to say I don't do that either. I know that I have more of my mother in me than I'd like to admit and she's not always a pleasant person, which is why I am the way that I am. For years my issues have been both with my body and with my personality on and off respectively, or at the same time, what have you, but right now I can't seem to find anything about myself I like.
I'm not saying this to play the victim and be all like "woe is me, I am so sad" blah blah blah, but having Mallory's friendship to me was always like, "Well, there's at least one person out there who likes me!" Now that I don't have that anymore, I feel really really alone. I know I have Jacob and yes he is a wonderful and amazing boyfriend and friend and gives me more than enough love I could ever hope to receive, but I want a best girl friend. I want someone who on my 21st birthday I can go get my nails done with and all sorts of other fun stuff. I don't like having no one. I have a friend Lexie, who is very sweet and I love spending time with her, but she's been really busy and has a lot of her own shit to deal with. I mean, a part of me is really sad and hurt and yeah I feel this pain in my chest and stomach from all of this but at the same time, it's like yeah I'm sad she's gone, but I think I'm learning how to deal with it better. I just want friends. Like real life friends. I want people to hang out with and to talk to, who care about me and wanna do stuff with me. I realize now that I have to start changing a lot of who I am as a person if I want that to happen. I have to stop acting that I'm better than others, and I have to start taking more responsibility for things. I have to stop using my therapy as an excuse to act the way I do, and I have to have better control of myself and what I say when I'm at public and at work. Clearly, the way I am isn't that great, because if not I would still have a best friend. I would have friends in general. I don't want to depend on Jacob for everything, and I'm not going to. But I don't know what to do without friends. I don't know how to handle not having friends. It doesn't work like that for me. I can't do that, I can't be non-social. But, the cards I've been dealt show me that it's not my choice.
This is a sign that I have for more to improve on in who I am, and grow more as a person. How I am now isn't good enough, and I need to change that.
Just to give a quick update to where I'm at now:
I'm about to start my final year of college this fall and turn 21 (fucking finally). I have a different boyfriend, Jacob, who I met through tumblr and he's a remarkable human being who I can barely find words to describe. I have recovered from a serious depression I had from November of 2012, to about January, early February of 2013, however I gained about 20 lbs from it and am trying to lose weight but it's not going so well. I just started a new job at a retirement home in Yellow Springs and so far I actually like it there. But, that all isn't stuff I really feel like writing about right now.
I haven't always been the greatest when it comes to making friends. I've gained and lost many friends in my life and have always let it affect my self-esteem which I know is silly but oh well. I had a best friend for many many years, whose name was Mallory and I put a lot of myself into her. But, a few weeks ago we had our falling out, which was really unexpected (for me at least) and has really gotten me down. The details of how it all escalated aren't really important, and frankly I don't feel like drudging up those feelings again. But basically, it was a disagreement of emotions and buttons were pushed and things were said and done and now we're no longer friends. I was very very hurt from the whole incident. I still am. It puts a knot in my stomach every time I think about it. I had been waving on the idea of writing her a letter to apologize for what had happen and ask for when she was ready to have a conversation about our relationship because there were some things we needed to discuss. However, tonight I found that she wrote a very long post about me and about what had happened. It mainly said that she doesn't really like me as a person and want me as a friend in her life anymore, and she's glad that this whole thing happened and still is upset about the same things that the whole thing blew up about in the first place. It clearly decided for me that I'm not going to write her that letter because she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.
So, I feel hurt, obviously. And sad, and even angry. I wish I was worth it to her. To keep fighting for our friendship. I wish I hadn't done and said the things I did to help this whole thing escalate to such a degree. I wish that she would be willing to sit down and discuss all of this with me and consider that this situation isn't so black and white. But mostly, I wish that she had been able to end my friendship with me on somewhat better terms. I understand that I am not the easiest person to be friends with. I'm annoying, and needy, and intense and emotional. That's a lot for most people to handle. I know I can be too loud and obnoxious and get so drunk I can't take care of myself. It's just, I really don't understand how all of that could be so bad. I mean yeah, I'm not perfect, but I'm not necessarily that bad either. I know that she feels I'm playing the victim role and I often do, which I'm not going to say I don't. And she also feels that I put myself above others and again, I'm not going to say I don't do that either. I know that I have more of my mother in me than I'd like to admit and she's not always a pleasant person, which is why I am the way that I am. For years my issues have been both with my body and with my personality on and off respectively, or at the same time, what have you, but right now I can't seem to find anything about myself I like.
I'm not saying this to play the victim and be all like "woe is me, I am so sad" blah blah blah, but having Mallory's friendship to me was always like, "Well, there's at least one person out there who likes me!" Now that I don't have that anymore, I feel really really alone. I know I have Jacob and yes he is a wonderful and amazing boyfriend and friend and gives me more than enough love I could ever hope to receive, but I want a best girl friend. I want someone who on my 21st birthday I can go get my nails done with and all sorts of other fun stuff. I don't like having no one. I have a friend Lexie, who is very sweet and I love spending time with her, but she's been really busy and has a lot of her own shit to deal with. I mean, a part of me is really sad and hurt and yeah I feel this pain in my chest and stomach from all of this but at the same time, it's like yeah I'm sad she's gone, but I think I'm learning how to deal with it better. I just want friends. Like real life friends. I want people to hang out with and to talk to, who care about me and wanna do stuff with me. I realize now that I have to start changing a lot of who I am as a person if I want that to happen. I have to stop acting that I'm better than others, and I have to start taking more responsibility for things. I have to stop using my therapy as an excuse to act the way I do, and I have to have better control of myself and what I say when I'm at public and at work. Clearly, the way I am isn't that great, because if not I would still have a best friend. I would have friends in general. I don't want to depend on Jacob for everything, and I'm not going to. But I don't know what to do without friends. I don't know how to handle not having friends. It doesn't work like that for me. I can't do that, I can't be non-social. But, the cards I've been dealt show me that it's not my choice.
This is a sign that I have for more to improve on in who I am, and grow more as a person. How I am now isn't good enough, and I need to change that.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I am the girl who doesn't understand what's wrong.
Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted on here, I guess I haven't really felt the need to, but there is something stuck in my head that I can't get out and I thought maybe by trying to write it out it would help, but I don't know anymore.
Noah is by far one of the most amazing individuals I've ever had the pleasure of crossing paths with, but things seem different, they feel different. I feel like something's off, and I don't know if it's me or him or whatever, but my gut is just not feeling right. We've had an amazing past three months, but they've been really stressful for me emotionally for a lot of different reasons and he's been there for me every step of the way. He supports me and makes me feel amazing and stronger and all of that, but lately, I don't know what it is, but I guess I don't really feel like he appreciates me?
I'm sure I'm just overthinking things, and you know what, whatever. I want it to be that, I hope it's that. I've even told him that my fear is that I love him more than he loves me and he reassures me that's not the case, but idk. It's just like, I feel like he doesn't want me like he used to, he's not as in love with me, because when we were back in Cleveland together, he held me tighter and stronger and I felt like things were more passionate than they are now. I mean, I know it can't be super passionate all the time, but I just feel like I'm providing the passion and he's just taking it all. He used to be so proud of me, wanted to show me off, spoil me, and now it just feels kind of one sided. Again, this all could be in my head, this all could be me pmsing or some shit, but I just feel like he doesn't wanna try anymore.
I hate that. I hate fearing that, fearing and feeling that there will ever be a moment in his mind where he'll think he'll have to stop trying for me because that's not how it works. A part of me, as SICK AND TWISTED AS THIS SOUNDS, wants to walk away from him, just for a moment, so he can pull me back and tell me how much he wants me and how much he wants to be with me. I already feel myself starting to distance myself from him because well, maybe subconsciously I'm trying to do just that, so by pulling myself away from him I won't get hurt. I mean this is what it all comes down to, I'm fucking pissed that I'm so in love with him because WHEN this ends it's going to be so horrible. I know I shouldn't think about that but how can I not? It's going to hurt and it's going to be terrible and it sucks because like he's treated me so well, so to have that out of my life, what in the fuck will I do?
I just want him to hold me and kiss me and shower me with romance. Remind me that I'm the only girl he sees and wants, because why? Because I'm a fucking hormonal bitch of a girl and for some reason I've been super insecure and needy and gross lately. Fuck. I wouldn't even date me.
Noah is by far one of the most amazing individuals I've ever had the pleasure of crossing paths with, but things seem different, they feel different. I feel like something's off, and I don't know if it's me or him or whatever, but my gut is just not feeling right. We've had an amazing past three months, but they've been really stressful for me emotionally for a lot of different reasons and he's been there for me every step of the way. He supports me and makes me feel amazing and stronger and all of that, but lately, I don't know what it is, but I guess I don't really feel like he appreciates me?
I'm sure I'm just overthinking things, and you know what, whatever. I want it to be that, I hope it's that. I've even told him that my fear is that I love him more than he loves me and he reassures me that's not the case, but idk. It's just like, I feel like he doesn't want me like he used to, he's not as in love with me, because when we were back in Cleveland together, he held me tighter and stronger and I felt like things were more passionate than they are now. I mean, I know it can't be super passionate all the time, but I just feel like I'm providing the passion and he's just taking it all. He used to be so proud of me, wanted to show me off, spoil me, and now it just feels kind of one sided. Again, this all could be in my head, this all could be me pmsing or some shit, but I just feel like he doesn't wanna try anymore.
I hate that. I hate fearing that, fearing and feeling that there will ever be a moment in his mind where he'll think he'll have to stop trying for me because that's not how it works. A part of me, as SICK AND TWISTED AS THIS SOUNDS, wants to walk away from him, just for a moment, so he can pull me back and tell me how much he wants me and how much he wants to be with me. I already feel myself starting to distance myself from him because well, maybe subconsciously I'm trying to do just that, so by pulling myself away from him I won't get hurt. I mean this is what it all comes down to, I'm fucking pissed that I'm so in love with him because WHEN this ends it's going to be so horrible. I know I shouldn't think about that but how can I not? It's going to hurt and it's going to be terrible and it sucks because like he's treated me so well, so to have that out of my life, what in the fuck will I do?
I just want him to hold me and kiss me and shower me with romance. Remind me that I'm the only girl he sees and wants, because why? Because I'm a fucking hormonal bitch of a girl and for some reason I've been super insecure and needy and gross lately. Fuck. I wouldn't even date me.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I am the girl who is suppose to not have jealous tendencies.
I have a great boyfriend. He's smart and funny and weird and takes great care of me. We've been seeing each other for about a month but only until recently, it's been "official", not that that really matters. When we're together things are just awesome and I feel like we're on a really good level of being in each other's leagues. Regrettably, I can try really hard to be just the kind of girlfriend that any guy would want, especially him just because I want him to be proud of having me.
But then there is Tumblr. I fucking live on tumblr these days, and my boyfriend has a tumblr as well. Here's the thing though, on his tumblr he seems like the coolest mother fucker ever. Well, I think he is a pretty cool mother fucker but he's a lot more awkward in person and that doesn't really show up on his tumblr. I know he has a lot of girls that follow him that have crushes on him and tell him that he's cute and actually that doesn't really bother me. It's this one bitch I really don't like.
She actually lives back home where I do, and we used to be really good friends, and I thought she was super fucking cool and everything. But I was friends with her when I was 17 and a mess and I had decided to go to a random trip to pittsburgh to see a guy and she got all motherly with me and we got in a fight and didn't really talk since. So basically, ever since then she's disliked me, EVEN 2 YEARS LATER. So this bitch and my boyfriend are all bff's on tumblr. Fuck, they are always liking each other's shit and reblogging it and all of that, and he doesn't really do that with my tumblr. But what bothers me more than anything is because I'm not dumb, I know they have a thing for each other. First of all she's prettier, smarter, and older than me, and I'm almost positive if she lived here and not in Ohio he'd be with her. Second of all, when I first found out they were friends on tumblr I went and followed her and tried to be her friend and she followed me for about 2 days and then unfollowed me and stopped responding to my messages when I was just trying to be friendly. SO SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE ME, probably now because I'm dating the guy she wants to be with. Does my boyfriend know any of this? No, he wouldn't get it. So she's always fucking commenting on his pictures and he's reblogging shit she posts and I can't stand it. He's MY boyfriend, not yours. I know you want to be with him, but he's with me. I hate hate hate that she doesn't like me, what the fuck is her issue? Like really? UGH. And then, I'm NOT dumb! I know he obviously has a thing for her, which of course makes me feel inadequate. But I think what sucks more than any of this is I'm not a jealous person, I really am truly not. But this bitch just really knows how to bother me, and I can't tell him any of this because it's a waste of time.
I really hope he understands how much this bitch wants him and that I know they like each other and I still deal with it. It's not like he has any of that with anybody with me, all the guys that want me live in fucking London, and they just like me for sex. He's one of the first amazingly nice and caring guys who doesn't just want me for sex, so of course I want him to myself. In a perfect world I would love for him to post something on his tumblr about me being his girlfriend and how much he likes me, but I know he won't. His tumblr is his ego and pride, and if he says he has a girlfriend he'll lose his tumblr crushes, so of course he won't. I've just, idk I've always kind of wanted a guy that would be more than happy to show me off as his girlfriend and it's like in person yeah he does, but idk it would be kind of nice if he would post something about having me as his girlfriend on his tumblr. Shouldn't I be enough for him? Sometimes I don't feel like I am.... :/
But then there is Tumblr. I fucking live on tumblr these days, and my boyfriend has a tumblr as well. Here's the thing though, on his tumblr he seems like the coolest mother fucker ever. Well, I think he is a pretty cool mother fucker but he's a lot more awkward in person and that doesn't really show up on his tumblr. I know he has a lot of girls that follow him that have crushes on him and tell him that he's cute and actually that doesn't really bother me. It's this one bitch I really don't like.
She actually lives back home where I do, and we used to be really good friends, and I thought she was super fucking cool and everything. But I was friends with her when I was 17 and a mess and I had decided to go to a random trip to pittsburgh to see a guy and she got all motherly with me and we got in a fight and didn't really talk since. So basically, ever since then she's disliked me, EVEN 2 YEARS LATER. So this bitch and my boyfriend are all bff's on tumblr. Fuck, they are always liking each other's shit and reblogging it and all of that, and he doesn't really do that with my tumblr. But what bothers me more than anything is because I'm not dumb, I know they have a thing for each other. First of all she's prettier, smarter, and older than me, and I'm almost positive if she lived here and not in Ohio he'd be with her. Second of all, when I first found out they were friends on tumblr I went and followed her and tried to be her friend and she followed me for about 2 days and then unfollowed me and stopped responding to my messages when I was just trying to be friendly. SO SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE ME, probably now because I'm dating the guy she wants to be with. Does my boyfriend know any of this? No, he wouldn't get it. So she's always fucking commenting on his pictures and he's reblogging shit she posts and I can't stand it. He's MY boyfriend, not yours. I know you want to be with him, but he's with me. I hate hate hate that she doesn't like me, what the fuck is her issue? Like really? UGH. And then, I'm NOT dumb! I know he obviously has a thing for her, which of course makes me feel inadequate. But I think what sucks more than any of this is I'm not a jealous person, I really am truly not. But this bitch just really knows how to bother me, and I can't tell him any of this because it's a waste of time.
I really hope he understands how much this bitch wants him and that I know they like each other and I still deal with it. It's not like he has any of that with anybody with me, all the guys that want me live in fucking London, and they just like me for sex. He's one of the first amazingly nice and caring guys who doesn't just want me for sex, so of course I want him to myself. In a perfect world I would love for him to post something on his tumblr about me being his girlfriend and how much he likes me, but I know he won't. His tumblr is his ego and pride, and if he says he has a girlfriend he'll lose his tumblr crushes, so of course he won't. I've just, idk I've always kind of wanted a guy that would be more than happy to show me off as his girlfriend and it's like in person yeah he does, but idk it would be kind of nice if he would post something about having me as his girlfriend on his tumblr. Shouldn't I be enough for him? Sometimes I don't feel like I am.... :/
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I am a girl who is being swept off her feet.
I can't take it anymore. I have to write this out. I may seem psycho and be in wayy too deep but fuck that shit. I need someone, somewhere to hear this.
It comes down to this. There is this new boy in my life, a boy who actually gives a damn.
I spent 27, yes 27 hours straight with him. For those of you who don't know me I never spend that much time with someone I romantically care about. I just don't. But he's the exception.
His name is Noah. He is an actual full fledge gentleman, and I can't believe it. Not only has he paid for every date we've ever gone on, but he's so down to earth it boggles my mind. He doesn't take himself or whatever we have too seriously. He doesn't look hugely ahead of the future to scare the shit out of me, but the way he treats me all I keep thinking is "Holy shit I can't wait for him to be my boyfriend." He's not overly cheesey, but my god the things he'll say to me can make my heart skip a beat.
We were walking back from a costume party together and I was pretty tipsy; everyone at the party gave us a year. As I was drunkly telling him I never thought of myself as a beautiful person he looks at me and tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, in a way that wasn't heart stopping and cheesey, that was real. He's real. It's real when he tells me how amazing it feels to hold me in his arms. It's real when he tells me the sexiest thing about me is my confidence. It's real when he gets excited to share with me his music and movies. And nothing is more real that the 8 hours we spent in my bed today just holding each other, kissing and holding each other. I didn't want it to end.
He's nerdy, he's awkward, he's not perfect, but he cares about me. He is stunned when I'll cook him food, hell I made him breakfast, lunch and dinner today and he couldn't believe it. He'll look at me at the most random times and tell me how adorable I look. He has NO problem telling me exactly how he feels about me, how much he likes me and how he can see me as his girlfriend. We've talked about things I can't even believe we've talked about. When I told him I had an ex boyfriend physically harm me, he wrapped his arms around me and held me so tight. He doesn't care that I've made mistakes in the past, and he doesn't care that I'm not perfect. Fuck, he's written two beautiful poems about me.
We are not falling in love. We are not rushing things, because we are logical. But holy fuck is this shit amazing. Every morning I wake up with a good morning text, whether it actually says "Good Morning" or "Be Amazing Today". Like seriously, I would have to be made of ice not to be touched by this shit.
Noah, I hope this really goes somewhere. I like you more than I've liked anyone in a while, and I want to take care of you. Thank you for everything so far, and I can't wait for this to blossom.
It comes down to this. There is this new boy in my life, a boy who actually gives a damn.
I spent 27, yes 27 hours straight with him. For those of you who don't know me I never spend that much time with someone I romantically care about. I just don't. But he's the exception.
His name is Noah. He is an actual full fledge gentleman, and I can't believe it. Not only has he paid for every date we've ever gone on, but he's so down to earth it boggles my mind. He doesn't take himself or whatever we have too seriously. He doesn't look hugely ahead of the future to scare the shit out of me, but the way he treats me all I keep thinking is "Holy shit I can't wait for him to be my boyfriend." He's not overly cheesey, but my god the things he'll say to me can make my heart skip a beat.
We were walking back from a costume party together and I was pretty tipsy; everyone at the party gave us a year. As I was drunkly telling him I never thought of myself as a beautiful person he looks at me and tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, in a way that wasn't heart stopping and cheesey, that was real. He's real. It's real when he tells me how amazing it feels to hold me in his arms. It's real when he tells me the sexiest thing about me is my confidence. It's real when he gets excited to share with me his music and movies. And nothing is more real that the 8 hours we spent in my bed today just holding each other, kissing and holding each other. I didn't want it to end.
He's nerdy, he's awkward, he's not perfect, but he cares about me. He is stunned when I'll cook him food, hell I made him breakfast, lunch and dinner today and he couldn't believe it. He'll look at me at the most random times and tell me how adorable I look. He has NO problem telling me exactly how he feels about me, how much he likes me and how he can see me as his girlfriend. We've talked about things I can't even believe we've talked about. When I told him I had an ex boyfriend physically harm me, he wrapped his arms around me and held me so tight. He doesn't care that I've made mistakes in the past, and he doesn't care that I'm not perfect. Fuck, he's written two beautiful poems about me.
We are not falling in love. We are not rushing things, because we are logical. But holy fuck is this shit amazing. Every morning I wake up with a good morning text, whether it actually says "Good Morning" or "Be Amazing Today". Like seriously, I would have to be made of ice not to be touched by this shit.
Noah, I hope this really goes somewhere. I like you more than I've liked anyone in a while, and I want to take care of you. Thank you for everything so far, and I can't wait for this to blossom.
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