I am the girl who has been abandoned.

The man that I was so sure about and so in love with, has up and left me as of a month ago. It was one of the most shocking and heartbreaking things that I've had to deal with in awhile. It had been built up over time due to issues Jacob was hiding from me. But it was the week where each day my heart broke more and more, that shattered me the most.

Early May, my anxiety isn't doing well. I'm having a flare up due to graduation coming up and figuring out where to go with my life. Jacob and I go to look at apartments in Knoxville and we have a wonderful time together. But we got in a couple fights, because of my anxiety and I thought I had admitted it to him. We're scheduled to go to a wedding in a couple weeks in Texas, but unsure how to get there. Plane's are too expensive so we planned to use my car. Jacob didn't really want to go to the wedding but I figured if we went together it would be better. I bought a whole new outfit, dress, jewelry, shoes, so I wouldn't scare off his very conservative family. A week before the wedding I get a call from Jacob. He tells me he doesn't want to move in with me anymore. I'm completely shocked and bewildered since he has not given me any single sign that he was feeling this way previously. When we were looking at the one place I saw him get just as excited about it as I did. This seemed to just drop out of the sky. I said we'd talk about it, and the week got even worse. I had been also noticing for the past month or so that Jacob was being different. Not massively, just not as sweet as he used to be. We had a great time when we were together in Knoxville, but there were just little signs all showing me that there was something wrong. Back in April he was being so cute and so sweet and exactly the wonderful man I had fallen in love with so hard. I don't know what happened, but he just wasn't as sweet on me anymore. Didn't say as many cute things as he used to, things like "I wish you were here" and "I miss you so much", or "you mean so much to me". It was bland. I felt unloved. My anxiety was crushing me the moment I noticed it and I tried to tell him. I thought he understood, I thought he could see where I was coming from but he didn't. Because he didn't change. I tried to have another conversation with him about it again but he was too drunk to remember it. That's what I get for calling him when he was out with his friends. I know how much he hated that. I hated doing it. After the whole "I don't want to move in with you thing" I was kind of freaking out. I had no idea what was going on in my relationship and I was terrified, and things with Jacob got worse and worse.

As it got closer to the wedding, we were trying to figure out a different plan of how to get there. My car was in no shape to do the drive, but Jacob and I had both already called off the weekend of work. He suggested I come to Knoxville to see him, but I said I wasn't sure because of what had been going on. He then said "Well, I think I'm gonna go to the wedding alone then." And he took a ride with his step sister and went and had just a fabulous time without me. I was furious. I was steaming I was so angry with how all of this was falling apart so quickly. It was breaking me. I called him and let out all my anger and frustration on him because he deserved to know how upset he made me. It led to us not speaking for a few days, which I thought would give him time to reflect on how much he loved me. I thought the wedding of all places would be the best because it would make him think of me and us. But it did the exact opposite. It scared him completely away from me.

He texted me when he left Texas, telling me just how fun it was, how he got emotional at the wedding, and how he got too drunk at the reception. I kept waiting for him to say something sweet, something like the normal Jacob would if we hadn't talked for a few days. But no. It broke me even further. It felt like having to pull teeth to even hear him say "I love you" anymore. When he got home that's when he did it. When he called me and decided that it was the time to go. It was time to run away and not look back. It was a long conversation. I kept trying to plead for our relationship, but he thought it was horrible. He thought our ship was sinking, but it was just a bigger leak than we had expected. He wasn't willing to work through it though. It scared him that I needed him to lean on with my anxiety, and it scared him to have a life with me. He didn't want to commit he told me that straight to me. The guy who had a long-distance 5-hour drive relationship for over a year told me he couldn't commit. The guy  who had asked me how I'd feel if he proposed to me at the end of the year told me our relationship wasn't going to work anymore because it was just "too hard". The guy who looked me straight in my eyes and told me it was going to take more than my emotional insecurities to push him away, left me. They pushed him away. He lied to me. He broke my heart. He shattered the most amazing time in my life, and didn't seem to care. Now I see he's been partying more, and he sent me a picture of him doing acid. That's what he left out relationship for. To be a college frat boy and do trippy drugs because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Fuck that. Fuck him.

This month has killed me. I don't expect you to call me anymore, but the hope that my phone will buzz and it will be your name on my id calling me has never ever faded, not even a little. Is it so much for me to expect you to come back and apologize? Or is that just too hard for you? Is it too hard to own up to the fact that you chickened out and hurt the most wonderful woman you could ever have? That our whole relationship of love and passion and trust and security was truly built on nothing? You are a piece of shit. You are a huge piece of shit for what you did to me. Doing this to someone takes a lot of fucking shittyness inside of them, that I used to think you weren't even capable of. But now I know that's the real you. A huge fucking coward piece of shit who refuses to own up to his true feelings and fight for the woman he loves because he's too scared.

I bet he doesn't even check my tumblr or my instagram or anything. I bet you he just gave up and forgotten about me. I bet that he doesn't even cry when he thinks about what he did to me. Because if he did, he'd be the person that I thought.  And that you have the heart that I thought you did, you would have come back. I didn't think this would last a whole month, but to me it feels like a year. To have been completely abandoned like that. You don't even care about my pain. You just want to live your life without me. All that love that you had for me has evaporated and it is the greatest pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not going to beg for you back. In fact that's exactly what you should have done. You should have grown a fucking pair and owned up to the fact that you were terrified of moving in together and that my anxiety was overwhelming you on top of your own issues. You couldn't tell me that and you hid it from me and you let it build into what ended us. You lied to me. I gave you the most honest relationship of my life and you end it by lying to me. Do you have any idea how happy I would have been if you would have just told me you're scared like, WHEN YOU FIRST FELT IT. We could have worked out me not living together in a smoother way, but no. You had to hide it and let it build up and then drop it like a bomb on top of me.

I hate how much I miss you. I hate how much I still love you and can't stop thinking about you. I hate that I still love you. I should hate you. I should want you out of my life forever for what you did, but I can't. There's something in my heart that is still so tied to you that I can't unbreak it. Trying to move on from you has been the hardest thing for me in a really long time. I trusted you and I loved you with all of my heart and you just left me and broke me. I don't care if everyone sees this. I was to expose you for the piece of shit you are for leaving me. For being the true coward that you are. Every second, every MOMENT, that you do not come to me with an apology and beg for me back I think about telling you no more and more. Honestly, right now if you were to come to me and apologize and beg for me, I would make you come up here immediately and we would work this out face to face. But you're not gonna do that for me. You wouldn't. It's too much work. I'm too much work for you. The woman who gave you fucking EVERYTHING is too much for you. God I can't even believe that you sat there and lied to me about our relationship. What kills me is I know you sleep at night just fine. Maybe it's the alcohol, weed, and whatever fucking other drugs you're doing but you're doing all of it to avoid the pain of how badly you fucked up. How you fucked up big time and how painful it is that you have quite possibly lost every chance of ever getting me back. That love isn't in your heart anymore. That love that you had for me, that fake as fuck love that you told me I was always going to have doesn't do me shit. It doesn't make you fight for me. It doesn't make you apologize and your heart has swallowed it whole and forgotten about it completely.

I used to think you were one of the most emotionally stable people I had ever met. I used to think that you were so loving and kind and caring to your core because that's all I ever saw of you. You wore your heart on your sleeve and I did too and that's what I loved about you so much. I emotionally related to you, the first person in my life that I ever truly trusted with my emotions. But you broke it. You broke every form of trust I have ever had for you. And you're showing me that you have no wonderful warm heart and soul. If you did you would have come back by now. If you really loved me, you should have come back by now. How long is it gonna take for you to realize how bad you fucked up? You're gonna wait juuuuuuuuuuust long enough until I'm finally fucking ready to move on aren't you? or just pop up out of the blue or something, but whatever or whenever it happens, the fact is it's not happening now. And it hasn't happened. It should have.


I hope you read this. I normally would never hope bad emotions on people, but you? I want you to feel them all at once. I want you to feel a 1/10 of the pain that I have been feeling since being abandoned by you. What's your side of the story huh? What do you tell everybody? That I was "crazy" "psycho" or "clingly" BECAUSE I NEEDED TO FUCKING LEAN ON YOU? BECAUSE I WAS EMOTIONALLY DEBILITATED, JUST LIKE YOU HAD BEEN, AND I WANTED YOUR HELP AND YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT. God fuck you, you fucking fuck. Fuck you for leaving me, fuck you for breaking my heart, fuck you for not coming back for me, and fuck you for giving up on me. Oh, and one last fuck you for lying to me.


You better count your fucking blessings you ever get a second chance with me. But knowing the coward and bastard that you are you won't be willing to put the work into it. Remember when I used to be worth it to you? Piece of shit.