I don't know what else to do other than to write out how I'm feeling. In fact, it's the only way I know how to healthfully cope with my emotions. I feel so many different things these days, it's hard to keep my head straight. Tuesday it'll be 5 weeks since you left me, and I wish my heart wasn't still broken.
I keep telling myself that I deserve better than you. That I'm stronger than you and that I can take care of myself just fine. That if we were truly meant to be together none of this would have happened. But every day at some point (almost always at night), the thoughts and feelings of what we had come flooding back into my brain. There's still such a huge part of me that can't even believed how this all happened. How you treated me, how you broke my trust and my heart. But I can't keep denying that those were your actions and they spoke louder than any of the nights I came to you and unveiled my true self to you and you held me and told me it was all going to be okay.
I miss the security. I miss the trust and the connection that we had. Sometimes I have these thoughts that maybe if I came to you we could work this out but that's a horrible idea. You don't deserve that. You deserve to feel miserable and miss me so much it kills you inside, at least that's how it feels for me. For years, I hated myself because I could never fully control my emotions. I was always overwhelmed with them and I didn't know how to get a grip on them until I started really getting into therapy with meds. I've come such a long way from where I've been, but there's still always going to be a part of me that's ashamed of how emotional I am.
I trusted you with all my heart. You were the only person I felt like my emotions weren't ever going to drive you away, when in fact they did. Everyone says it's not about me it's about you, but I know deep down that there is a part of it that does have to do with me. I know it's terrible that you left me the way you did especially when I needed you, but I'm not surprised. I know I'm a burden to handle. That's why I was always so grateful for you. I used to remember when we were lying in bed, holding each other and falling asleep that I had never felt more safe in my entire life. That nothing could harm me because you were there. I thought you could protect me from myself because you loved me for who I really was. At least I thought you did. I loved more than anything being able to pour myself out to you and know you were there to cushion me, make me feel like my emotions weren't a bad thing. You were so good about letting me get every emotion I ever had out so I didn't have to hold it in, even if it was yelling at you. I hate how good you were to me. I hate how the connection we had was so fucking intense and pure and it meant nothing to you in the end. I was, and still am so in love with you and what we had, and there's so much of me that believes that no one will ever love me like you did.
As much as I want to hold out for you, I also don't. I'm so hurt by what you did, how you treated me, how you abandoned me that I don't think I could ever really trust you again. Any time my emotions would get overwhelming there would always be a part of me scared you'd run off again because it was too much. The fact of the matter is I don't know if anyone is ever going to be able to handle me at my core. Who I truly am. The one person I thought really did couldn't even do it, so how is there someone else who can? I don't want to be alone. I want to feel loved and I want to share my life with someone. I wanted to share my life with you, you were all I wanted and you didn't want me back. I miss you so much, every day and it kills me how you just can't leave my brain. I stopped seeing you in as many things as I used to, but I still see the occasionally reminder of our relationship and it feels like a dagger is being jammed into my heart. I don't know what happened to us, I don't know where everything went wrong and I can't bring myself to put all the blame on you. The saddest thing I can admit to myself right now is that I truly believe I can never be genuinely who I am with someone. I thought I could, I really did but after all this, I don't wanna put myself through that. I wanna go back to the way I was with hiding my emotions because I don't know, it seems life is easier for everyone else that way.
I was so sure about us for our entire relationship. Not a single day (until the week before you left me) did I ever doubt that our relationship would last. That's the most heartbreaking thing about all this. I was fucking blindsided. I hate to admit how broken I still am but I can't run away from it. The thought of even slightly emotionally opening up to someone else makes me sick because I don't know if I ever can. I want what we had. I want to feel like regardless of how fucked up I am, I'm still allowed to be fucked up and wonderful at the same time. There's a new guy I'm talking to and it's nothing serious but he's coming here this weekend and I keep telling myself to hide how broken I am from him. The last thing I need is for another guy to see another fucked up girl who's still hurt and hung up from her ex. I have to put on my face that I have my shit together and I'm fine and that I don't need anyone. But I do need people. I need human emotional contact. I have that with my closer friends and family and I'm so happy I do. I just don't want to be alone with my emotions for the rest of my life. Nothing scares me more than that. Because every time I've been left alone with them my whole world goes belly up because I can't even handle my emotions. And if I can't, than how is anyone else suppose to either? I guess I was really the stupid one for thinking that I could show my true self to someone I loved and trusted. I should have known that it was all going to fall apart, I was just delusional. I was in love, and I still am. I hate how much I fucking love you and how no matter how many times I tell myself that you're a piece of shit and a horrible person that I just want you to show up at my door step so I can wrap my arms around you again. I'm such a fucking mess and no one will ever want to be with me and I don't blame them. I just wish I didn't have to be alone.
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