Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted on here, I guess I haven't really felt the need to, but there is something stuck in my head that I can't get out and I thought maybe by trying to write it out it would help, but I don't know anymore.
Noah is by far one of the most amazing individuals I've ever had the pleasure of crossing paths with, but things seem different, they feel different. I feel like something's off, and I don't know if it's me or him or whatever, but my gut is just not feeling right. We've had an amazing past three months, but they've been really stressful for me emotionally for a lot of different reasons and he's been there for me every step of the way. He supports me and makes me feel amazing and stronger and all of that, but lately, I don't know what it is, but I guess I don't really feel like he appreciates me?
I'm sure I'm just overthinking things, and you know what, whatever. I want it to be that, I hope it's that. I've even told him that my fear is that I love him more than he loves me and he reassures me that's not the case, but idk. It's just like, I feel like he doesn't want me like he used to, he's not as in love with me, because when we were back in Cleveland together, he held me tighter and stronger and I felt like things were more passionate than they are now. I mean, I know it can't be super passionate all the time, but I just feel like I'm providing the passion and he's just taking it all. He used to be so proud of me, wanted to show me off, spoil me, and now it just feels kind of one sided. Again, this all could be in my head, this all could be me pmsing or some shit, but I just feel like he doesn't wanna try anymore.
I hate that. I hate fearing that, fearing and feeling that there will ever be a moment in his mind where he'll think he'll have to stop trying for me because that's not how it works. A part of me, as SICK AND TWISTED AS THIS SOUNDS, wants to walk away from him, just for a moment, so he can pull me back and tell me how much he wants me and how much he wants to be with me. I already feel myself starting to distance myself from him because well, maybe subconsciously I'm trying to do just that, so by pulling myself away from him I won't get hurt. I mean this is what it all comes down to, I'm fucking pissed that I'm so in love with him because WHEN this ends it's going to be so horrible. I know I shouldn't think about that but how can I not? It's going to hurt and it's going to be terrible and it sucks because like he's treated me so well, so to have that out of my life, what in the fuck will I do?
I just want him to hold me and kiss me and shower me with romance. Remind me that I'm the only girl he sees and wants, because why? Because I'm a fucking hormonal bitch of a girl and for some reason I've been super insecure and needy and gross lately. Fuck. I wouldn't even date me.
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