I don't know what else to do other than to write out how I'm feeling. In fact, it's the only way I know how to healthfully cope with my emotions. I feel so many different things these days, it's hard to keep my head straight. Tuesday it'll be 5 weeks since you left me, and I wish my heart wasn't still broken.
I keep telling myself that I deserve better than you. That I'm stronger than you and that I can take care of myself just fine. That if we were truly meant to be together none of this would have happened. But every day at some point (almost always at night), the thoughts and feelings of what we had come flooding back into my brain. There's still such a huge part of me that can't even believed how this all happened. How you treated me, how you broke my trust and my heart. But I can't keep denying that those were your actions and they spoke louder than any of the nights I came to you and unveiled my true self to you and you held me and told me it was all going to be okay.
I miss the security. I miss the trust and the connection that we had. Sometimes I have these thoughts that maybe if I came to you we could work this out but that's a horrible idea. You don't deserve that. You deserve to feel miserable and miss me so much it kills you inside, at least that's how it feels for me. For years, I hated myself because I could never fully control my emotions. I was always overwhelmed with them and I didn't know how to get a grip on them until I started really getting into therapy with meds. I've come such a long way from where I've been, but there's still always going to be a part of me that's ashamed of how emotional I am.
I trusted you with all my heart. You were the only person I felt like my emotions weren't ever going to drive you away, when in fact they did. Everyone says it's not about me it's about you, but I know deep down that there is a part of it that does have to do with me. I know it's terrible that you left me the way you did especially when I needed you, but I'm not surprised. I know I'm a burden to handle. That's why I was always so grateful for you. I used to remember when we were lying in bed, holding each other and falling asleep that I had never felt more safe in my entire life. That nothing could harm me because you were there. I thought you could protect me from myself because you loved me for who I really was. At least I thought you did. I loved more than anything being able to pour myself out to you and know you were there to cushion me, make me feel like my emotions weren't a bad thing. You were so good about letting me get every emotion I ever had out so I didn't have to hold it in, even if it was yelling at you. I hate how good you were to me. I hate how the connection we had was so fucking intense and pure and it meant nothing to you in the end. I was, and still am so in love with you and what we had, and there's so much of me that believes that no one will ever love me like you did.
As much as I want to hold out for you, I also don't. I'm so hurt by what you did, how you treated me, how you abandoned me that I don't think I could ever really trust you again. Any time my emotions would get overwhelming there would always be a part of me scared you'd run off again because it was too much. The fact of the matter is I don't know if anyone is ever going to be able to handle me at my core. Who I truly am. The one person I thought really did couldn't even do it, so how is there someone else who can? I don't want to be alone. I want to feel loved and I want to share my life with someone. I wanted to share my life with you, you were all I wanted and you didn't want me back. I miss you so much, every day and it kills me how you just can't leave my brain. I stopped seeing you in as many things as I used to, but I still see the occasionally reminder of our relationship and it feels like a dagger is being jammed into my heart. I don't know what happened to us, I don't know where everything went wrong and I can't bring myself to put all the blame on you. The saddest thing I can admit to myself right now is that I truly believe I can never be genuinely who I am with someone. I thought I could, I really did but after all this, I don't wanna put myself through that. I wanna go back to the way I was with hiding my emotions because I don't know, it seems life is easier for everyone else that way.
I was so sure about us for our entire relationship. Not a single day (until the week before you left me) did I ever doubt that our relationship would last. That's the most heartbreaking thing about all this. I was fucking blindsided. I hate to admit how broken I still am but I can't run away from it. The thought of even slightly emotionally opening up to someone else makes me sick because I don't know if I ever can. I want what we had. I want to feel like regardless of how fucked up I am, I'm still allowed to be fucked up and wonderful at the same time. There's a new guy I'm talking to and it's nothing serious but he's coming here this weekend and I keep telling myself to hide how broken I am from him. The last thing I need is for another guy to see another fucked up girl who's still hurt and hung up from her ex. I have to put on my face that I have my shit together and I'm fine and that I don't need anyone. But I do need people. I need human emotional contact. I have that with my closer friends and family and I'm so happy I do. I just don't want to be alone with my emotions for the rest of my life. Nothing scares me more than that. Because every time I've been left alone with them my whole world goes belly up because I can't even handle my emotions. And if I can't, than how is anyone else suppose to either? I guess I was really the stupid one for thinking that I could show my true self to someone I loved and trusted. I should have known that it was all going to fall apart, I was just delusional. I was in love, and I still am. I hate how much I fucking love you and how no matter how many times I tell myself that you're a piece of shit and a horrible person that I just want you to show up at my door step so I can wrap my arms around you again. I'm such a fucking mess and no one will ever want to be with me and I don't blame them. I just wish I didn't have to be alone.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I am the girl who has been abandoned.
The man that I was so sure about and so in love with, has up and left me as of a month ago. It was one of the most shocking and heartbreaking things that I've had to deal with in awhile. It had been built up over time due to issues Jacob was hiding from me. But it was the week where each day my heart broke more and more, that shattered me the most.
Early May, my anxiety isn't doing well. I'm having a flare up due to graduation coming up and figuring out where to go with my life. Jacob and I go to look at apartments in Knoxville and we have a wonderful time together. But we got in a couple fights, because of my anxiety and I thought I had admitted it to him. We're scheduled to go to a wedding in a couple weeks in Texas, but unsure how to get there. Plane's are too expensive so we planned to use my car. Jacob didn't really want to go to the wedding but I figured if we went together it would be better. I bought a whole new outfit, dress, jewelry, shoes, so I wouldn't scare off his very conservative family. A week before the wedding I get a call from Jacob. He tells me he doesn't want to move in with me anymore. I'm completely shocked and bewildered since he has not given me any single sign that he was feeling this way previously. When we were looking at the one place I saw him get just as excited about it as I did. This seemed to just drop out of the sky. I said we'd talk about it, and the week got even worse. I had been also noticing for the past month or so that Jacob was being different. Not massively, just not as sweet as he used to be. We had a great time when we were together in Knoxville, but there were just little signs all showing me that there was something wrong. Back in April he was being so cute and so sweet and exactly the wonderful man I had fallen in love with so hard. I don't know what happened, but he just wasn't as sweet on me anymore. Didn't say as many cute things as he used to, things like "I wish you were here" and "I miss you so much", or "you mean so much to me". It was bland. I felt unloved. My anxiety was crushing me the moment I noticed it and I tried to tell him. I thought he understood, I thought he could see where I was coming from but he didn't. Because he didn't change. I tried to have another conversation with him about it again but he was too drunk to remember it. That's what I get for calling him when he was out with his friends. I know how much he hated that. I hated doing it. After the whole "I don't want to move in with you thing" I was kind of freaking out. I had no idea what was going on in my relationship and I was terrified, and things with Jacob got worse and worse.
As it got closer to the wedding, we were trying to figure out a different plan of how to get there. My car was in no shape to do the drive, but Jacob and I had both already called off the weekend of work. He suggested I come to Knoxville to see him, but I said I wasn't sure because of what had been going on. He then said "Well, I think I'm gonna go to the wedding alone then." And he took a ride with his step sister and went and had just a fabulous time without me. I was furious. I was steaming I was so angry with how all of this was falling apart so quickly. It was breaking me. I called him and let out all my anger and frustration on him because he deserved to know how upset he made me. It led to us not speaking for a few days, which I thought would give him time to reflect on how much he loved me. I thought the wedding of all places would be the best because it would make him think of me and us. But it did the exact opposite. It scared him completely away from me.
He texted me when he left Texas, telling me just how fun it was, how he got emotional at the wedding, and how he got too drunk at the reception. I kept waiting for him to say something sweet, something like the normal Jacob would if we hadn't talked for a few days. But no. It broke me even further. It felt like having to pull teeth to even hear him say "I love you" anymore. When he got home that's when he did it. When he called me and decided that it was the time to go. It was time to run away and not look back. It was a long conversation. I kept trying to plead for our relationship, but he thought it was horrible. He thought our ship was sinking, but it was just a bigger leak than we had expected. He wasn't willing to work through it though. It scared him that I needed him to lean on with my anxiety, and it scared him to have a life with me. He didn't want to commit he told me that straight to me. The guy who had a long-distance 5-hour drive relationship for over a year told me he couldn't commit. The guy who had asked me how I'd feel if he proposed to me at the end of the year told me our relationship wasn't going to work anymore because it was just "too hard". The guy who looked me straight in my eyes and told me it was going to take more than my emotional insecurities to push him away, left me. They pushed him away. He lied to me. He broke my heart. He shattered the most amazing time in my life, and didn't seem to care. Now I see he's been partying more, and he sent me a picture of him doing acid. That's what he left out relationship for. To be a college frat boy and do trippy drugs because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Fuck that. Fuck him.
This month has killed me. I don't expect you to call me anymore, but the hope that my phone will buzz and it will be your name on my id calling me has never ever faded, not even a little. Is it so much for me to expect you to come back and apologize? Or is that just too hard for you? Is it too hard to own up to the fact that you chickened out and hurt the most wonderful woman you could ever have? That our whole relationship of love and passion and trust and security was truly built on nothing? You are a piece of shit. You are a huge piece of shit for what you did to me. Doing this to someone takes a lot of fucking shittyness inside of them, that I used to think you weren't even capable of. But now I know that's the real you. A huge fucking coward piece of shit who refuses to own up to his true feelings and fight for the woman he loves because he's too scared.
I bet he doesn't even check my tumblr or my instagram or anything. I bet you he just gave up and forgotten about me. I bet that he doesn't even cry when he thinks about what he did to me. Because if he did, he'd be the person that I thought. And that you have the heart that I thought you did, you would have come back. I didn't think this would last a whole month, but to me it feels like a year. To have been completely abandoned like that. You don't even care about my pain. You just want to live your life without me. All that love that you had for me has evaporated and it is the greatest pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not going to beg for you back. In fact that's exactly what you should have done. You should have grown a fucking pair and owned up to the fact that you were terrified of moving in together and that my anxiety was overwhelming you on top of your own issues. You couldn't tell me that and you hid it from me and you let it build into what ended us. You lied to me. I gave you the most honest relationship of my life and you end it by lying to me. Do you have any idea how happy I would have been if you would have just told me you're scared like, WHEN YOU FIRST FELT IT. We could have worked out me not living together in a smoother way, but no. You had to hide it and let it build up and then drop it like a bomb on top of me.
I hate how much I miss you. I hate how much I still love you and can't stop thinking about you. I hate that I still love you. I should hate you. I should want you out of my life forever for what you did, but I can't. There's something in my heart that is still so tied to you that I can't unbreak it. Trying to move on from you has been the hardest thing for me in a really long time. I trusted you and I loved you with all of my heart and you just left me and broke me. I don't care if everyone sees this. I was to expose you for the piece of shit you are for leaving me. For being the true coward that you are. Every second, every MOMENT, that you do not come to me with an apology and beg for me back I think about telling you no more and more. Honestly, right now if you were to come to me and apologize and beg for me, I would make you come up here immediately and we would work this out face to face. But you're not gonna do that for me. You wouldn't. It's too much work. I'm too much work for you. The woman who gave you fucking EVERYTHING is too much for you. God I can't even believe that you sat there and lied to me about our relationship. What kills me is I know you sleep at night just fine. Maybe it's the alcohol, weed, and whatever fucking other drugs you're doing but you're doing all of it to avoid the pain of how badly you fucked up. How you fucked up big time and how painful it is that you have quite possibly lost every chance of ever getting me back. That love isn't in your heart anymore. That love that you had for me, that fake as fuck love that you told me I was always going to have doesn't do me shit. It doesn't make you fight for me. It doesn't make you apologize and your heart has swallowed it whole and forgotten about it completely.
I used to think you were one of the most emotionally stable people I had ever met. I used to think that you were so loving and kind and caring to your core because that's all I ever saw of you. You wore your heart on your sleeve and I did too and that's what I loved about you so much. I emotionally related to you, the first person in my life that I ever truly trusted with my emotions. But you broke it. You broke every form of trust I have ever had for you. And you're showing me that you have no wonderful warm heart and soul. If you did you would have come back by now. If you really loved me, you should have come back by now. How long is it gonna take for you to realize how bad you fucked up? You're gonna wait juuuuuuuuuuust long enough until I'm finally fucking ready to move on aren't you? or just pop up out of the blue or something, but whatever or whenever it happens, the fact is it's not happening now. And it hasn't happened. It should have.
I hope you read this. I normally would never hope bad emotions on people, but you? I want you to feel them all at once. I want you to feel a 1/10 of the pain that I have been feeling since being abandoned by you. What's your side of the story huh? What do you tell everybody? That I was "crazy" "psycho" or "clingly" BECAUSE I NEEDED TO FUCKING LEAN ON YOU? BECAUSE I WAS EMOTIONALLY DEBILITATED, JUST LIKE YOU HAD BEEN, AND I WANTED YOUR HELP AND YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT. God fuck you, you fucking fuck. Fuck you for leaving me, fuck you for breaking my heart, fuck you for not coming back for me, and fuck you for giving up on me. Oh, and one last fuck you for lying to me.
You better count your fucking blessings you ever get a second chance with me. But knowing the coward and bastard that you are you won't be willing to put the work into it. Remember when I used to be worth it to you? Piece of shit.
Early May, my anxiety isn't doing well. I'm having a flare up due to graduation coming up and figuring out where to go with my life. Jacob and I go to look at apartments in Knoxville and we have a wonderful time together. But we got in a couple fights, because of my anxiety and I thought I had admitted it to him. We're scheduled to go to a wedding in a couple weeks in Texas, but unsure how to get there. Plane's are too expensive so we planned to use my car. Jacob didn't really want to go to the wedding but I figured if we went together it would be better. I bought a whole new outfit, dress, jewelry, shoes, so I wouldn't scare off his very conservative family. A week before the wedding I get a call from Jacob. He tells me he doesn't want to move in with me anymore. I'm completely shocked and bewildered since he has not given me any single sign that he was feeling this way previously. When we were looking at the one place I saw him get just as excited about it as I did. This seemed to just drop out of the sky. I said we'd talk about it, and the week got even worse. I had been also noticing for the past month or so that Jacob was being different. Not massively, just not as sweet as he used to be. We had a great time when we were together in Knoxville, but there were just little signs all showing me that there was something wrong. Back in April he was being so cute and so sweet and exactly the wonderful man I had fallen in love with so hard. I don't know what happened, but he just wasn't as sweet on me anymore. Didn't say as many cute things as he used to, things like "I wish you were here" and "I miss you so much", or "you mean so much to me". It was bland. I felt unloved. My anxiety was crushing me the moment I noticed it and I tried to tell him. I thought he understood, I thought he could see where I was coming from but he didn't. Because he didn't change. I tried to have another conversation with him about it again but he was too drunk to remember it. That's what I get for calling him when he was out with his friends. I know how much he hated that. I hated doing it. After the whole "I don't want to move in with you thing" I was kind of freaking out. I had no idea what was going on in my relationship and I was terrified, and things with Jacob got worse and worse.
As it got closer to the wedding, we were trying to figure out a different plan of how to get there. My car was in no shape to do the drive, but Jacob and I had both already called off the weekend of work. He suggested I come to Knoxville to see him, but I said I wasn't sure because of what had been going on. He then said "Well, I think I'm gonna go to the wedding alone then." And he took a ride with his step sister and went and had just a fabulous time without me. I was furious. I was steaming I was so angry with how all of this was falling apart so quickly. It was breaking me. I called him and let out all my anger and frustration on him because he deserved to know how upset he made me. It led to us not speaking for a few days, which I thought would give him time to reflect on how much he loved me. I thought the wedding of all places would be the best because it would make him think of me and us. But it did the exact opposite. It scared him completely away from me.
He texted me when he left Texas, telling me just how fun it was, how he got emotional at the wedding, and how he got too drunk at the reception. I kept waiting for him to say something sweet, something like the normal Jacob would if we hadn't talked for a few days. But no. It broke me even further. It felt like having to pull teeth to even hear him say "I love you" anymore. When he got home that's when he did it. When he called me and decided that it was the time to go. It was time to run away and not look back. It was a long conversation. I kept trying to plead for our relationship, but he thought it was horrible. He thought our ship was sinking, but it was just a bigger leak than we had expected. He wasn't willing to work through it though. It scared him that I needed him to lean on with my anxiety, and it scared him to have a life with me. He didn't want to commit he told me that straight to me. The guy who had a long-distance 5-hour drive relationship for over a year told me he couldn't commit. The guy who had asked me how I'd feel if he proposed to me at the end of the year told me our relationship wasn't going to work anymore because it was just "too hard". The guy who looked me straight in my eyes and told me it was going to take more than my emotional insecurities to push him away, left me. They pushed him away. He lied to me. He broke my heart. He shattered the most amazing time in my life, and didn't seem to care. Now I see he's been partying more, and he sent me a picture of him doing acid. That's what he left out relationship for. To be a college frat boy and do trippy drugs because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Fuck that. Fuck him.
This month has killed me. I don't expect you to call me anymore, but the hope that my phone will buzz and it will be your name on my id calling me has never ever faded, not even a little. Is it so much for me to expect you to come back and apologize? Or is that just too hard for you? Is it too hard to own up to the fact that you chickened out and hurt the most wonderful woman you could ever have? That our whole relationship of love and passion and trust and security was truly built on nothing? You are a piece of shit. You are a huge piece of shit for what you did to me. Doing this to someone takes a lot of fucking shittyness inside of them, that I used to think you weren't even capable of. But now I know that's the real you. A huge fucking coward piece of shit who refuses to own up to his true feelings and fight for the woman he loves because he's too scared.
I bet he doesn't even check my tumblr or my instagram or anything. I bet you he just gave up and forgotten about me. I bet that he doesn't even cry when he thinks about what he did to me. Because if he did, he'd be the person that I thought. And that you have the heart that I thought you did, you would have come back. I didn't think this would last a whole month, but to me it feels like a year. To have been completely abandoned like that. You don't even care about my pain. You just want to live your life without me. All that love that you had for me has evaporated and it is the greatest pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not going to beg for you back. In fact that's exactly what you should have done. You should have grown a fucking pair and owned up to the fact that you were terrified of moving in together and that my anxiety was overwhelming you on top of your own issues. You couldn't tell me that and you hid it from me and you let it build into what ended us. You lied to me. I gave you the most honest relationship of my life and you end it by lying to me. Do you have any idea how happy I would have been if you would have just told me you're scared like, WHEN YOU FIRST FELT IT. We could have worked out me not living together in a smoother way, but no. You had to hide it and let it build up and then drop it like a bomb on top of me.
I hate how much I miss you. I hate how much I still love you and can't stop thinking about you. I hate that I still love you. I should hate you. I should want you out of my life forever for what you did, but I can't. There's something in my heart that is still so tied to you that I can't unbreak it. Trying to move on from you has been the hardest thing for me in a really long time. I trusted you and I loved you with all of my heart and you just left me and broke me. I don't care if everyone sees this. I was to expose you for the piece of shit you are for leaving me. For being the true coward that you are. Every second, every MOMENT, that you do not come to me with an apology and beg for me back I think about telling you no more and more. Honestly, right now if you were to come to me and apologize and beg for me, I would make you come up here immediately and we would work this out face to face. But you're not gonna do that for me. You wouldn't. It's too much work. I'm too much work for you. The woman who gave you fucking EVERYTHING is too much for you. God I can't even believe that you sat there and lied to me about our relationship. What kills me is I know you sleep at night just fine. Maybe it's the alcohol, weed, and whatever fucking other drugs you're doing but you're doing all of it to avoid the pain of how badly you fucked up. How you fucked up big time and how painful it is that you have quite possibly lost every chance of ever getting me back. That love isn't in your heart anymore. That love that you had for me, that fake as fuck love that you told me I was always going to have doesn't do me shit. It doesn't make you fight for me. It doesn't make you apologize and your heart has swallowed it whole and forgotten about it completely.
I used to think you were one of the most emotionally stable people I had ever met. I used to think that you were so loving and kind and caring to your core because that's all I ever saw of you. You wore your heart on your sleeve and I did too and that's what I loved about you so much. I emotionally related to you, the first person in my life that I ever truly trusted with my emotions. But you broke it. You broke every form of trust I have ever had for you. And you're showing me that you have no wonderful warm heart and soul. If you did you would have come back by now. If you really loved me, you should have come back by now. How long is it gonna take for you to realize how bad you fucked up? You're gonna wait juuuuuuuuuuust long enough until I'm finally fucking ready to move on aren't you? or just pop up out of the blue or something, but whatever or whenever it happens, the fact is it's not happening now. And it hasn't happened. It should have.
I hope you read this. I normally would never hope bad emotions on people, but you? I want you to feel them all at once. I want you to feel a 1/10 of the pain that I have been feeling since being abandoned by you. What's your side of the story huh? What do you tell everybody? That I was "crazy" "psycho" or "clingly" BECAUSE I NEEDED TO FUCKING LEAN ON YOU? BECAUSE I WAS EMOTIONALLY DEBILITATED, JUST LIKE YOU HAD BEEN, AND I WANTED YOUR HELP AND YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT. God fuck you, you fucking fuck. Fuck you for leaving me, fuck you for breaking my heart, fuck you for not coming back for me, and fuck you for giving up on me. Oh, and one last fuck you for lying to me.
You better count your fucking blessings you ever get a second chance with me. But knowing the coward and bastard that you are you won't be willing to put the work into it. Remember when I used to be worth it to you? Piece of shit.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
I am the girl who is turning into a woman.
That might be a stretch because I feel like calling myself a "woman" is still too far out for me right now, but I'm making progress.
Anyways, life has been kind of wonderful for me these past many months, and I really feel like I'm working my way up in life.
I have found a person to share my life with. I have found that person that understands me on a level so deep I didn't even know it existed until we met. I have found that person who makes every insecurity of mine melt away in his arms. I have found the person who is going to mean the most to me. And his name is Jacob.
We started dating roughly a year ago (give a month) and it's crazy how much I wake up everyday feeling in love with him. There has yet to be any dull or lack of spark between our connection and how we feel about each other, which is the most wonderful feeling. This is the longest I've ever been with somebody and I plan to keep it going as long as I can. Jacob is the most caring, supportive, encouraging, loving, kind, person I know. He's also brilliant, but dorky and funny and he can say the littlest thing to make me beam. I feel out of every relationship I've had before him, that he is the one that our love is the strongest love I've ever felt before. He is the one who has not only added so much to my life by being my boyfriend and friend, but he has added to my growth as a person. He has taught me so many things, and he continues to assist me in any way I may need. He supports me more than anything and never puts me on a pedestal. I think you get the jist here, Jacob's the shit and I'm probs gonna marry him.
I have also started moving forward with my possible career. I'm 4 months from graduating from Wright State University with my B.A. in Psychology and minor in Sexuality Studies. I have been interning at the Planned Parenthood location in Dayton since January and I have loved every moment of it. Very recently I have stumbled upon a golden opportunity of possibly standing my career at Planned Parenthood. There is an opening for a position of Health Educator/Community Outreach at a Planned Parenthood location in Birmingham, Alabama. Although for the past few months I have been planning to move to Knoxville with Jacob, this opportunity completely changes my course of thinking. I have a friend in Alabama who said I would love it there and has friends I could possibly live with if Jacob can't come with me. The salary on this position is $45,000 which is EXTREMELY good to get after getting out of college. Basically, I'm going to do everything I can to get this job. I have already talked to my supervisor about writing me a letter of recommendation and she agreed to look over/edit my resume and cover letter and basically just help me apply for the position. I plan to do it next week sometime, hopefully that won't be too late. I really don't know what's going to happen, but I'm really striving for this. Also, I totally understand that there's a huge chance I won't get it since I'm from OH and not AL and it's kind of random and there's lots of competition but we'll see!
In an ever lesser time, within the next two weeks I'll be going to Wisconsin with Jacob for the Midwest Gaming Classic which holds a Tetris Tournament which I am going to be competing in. There is a possibility of winning $5,000 (At least it says on the website) so I'm trying to practice really hard cause holy shit do I need the money, Basically, there's a lot going on in my life right now and I'm really happy about all of it because it's things I am making happen. I am in control of my life and it feels amazing.
Not to go off on another course, but a lot of this growth has come from my parent's separation and my lack of relationship I've chosen to have with my mother. Her and I have had quite our issues and with the way she's been behaving since my Dad moved in with me and they actually started working on the divorce, I don't really want to have a relationship with her. She's not the kind of person I want or need to be around because she's not good for my mental health. I have to focus on myself and growing as an adult and I need to cut her off from manipulatively controlling parts of my life. If she saw that sentence she would probably cringe then scream because she'd never admit to it. But it's true, she had a significant emotional impact on me and I needed to sever myself from her. And I swear, it is the BEST thing I have done. Separating myself from my mom and my sister has made my life like a lot better. Which sounds terrible, but it's true. I don't like them, I don't like being around them, and I'm happiest with them in very very small doses. This is what's great about being an adult now, is that I don't have to be close with my family if I don't want to. There's nothing keeping me attached to my mom and sister. If I'm going to have a family I want it to have a healthy, supportive, and non-threatening environment, and until I work through the issues I have with my mom it's never going to be like that around her. She just may be the kind of person I can't be around, and I'm a better person when I'm not around her. That sounds so bad but I think it's true. She's pushed me so far away now, I'm able to truly see her and who she is as a person and not just my mom. And I don't like what I see. At least for now. My hope, is that this divorce is draining her emotionally so she's at a weakened state, and isn't at her best mom mode, because she has a lot of wonderful moments. I'm not saying this to excuse her behavior, because trust me, I'm not putting up with that kind of shit anymore. But maybe someday she'll get her shit together and we can enjoy each other's time together. I'd love that, I'd really really love that. But just not now.
April, when you read this later on just know one thing about this time in your life. You were happy. You were strong. You were loved. You were doing amazing. It's good to be proud of yourself.
P.S. You and Mallory just reconciled and you guys are friends again. It's better to have her in your life.
Anyways, life has been kind of wonderful for me these past many months, and I really feel like I'm working my way up in life.
I have found a person to share my life with. I have found that person that understands me on a level so deep I didn't even know it existed until we met. I have found that person who makes every insecurity of mine melt away in his arms. I have found the person who is going to mean the most to me. And his name is Jacob.
We started dating roughly a year ago (give a month) and it's crazy how much I wake up everyday feeling in love with him. There has yet to be any dull or lack of spark between our connection and how we feel about each other, which is the most wonderful feeling. This is the longest I've ever been with somebody and I plan to keep it going as long as I can. Jacob is the most caring, supportive, encouraging, loving, kind, person I know. He's also brilliant, but dorky and funny and he can say the littlest thing to make me beam. I feel out of every relationship I've had before him, that he is the one that our love is the strongest love I've ever felt before. He is the one who has not only added so much to my life by being my boyfriend and friend, but he has added to my growth as a person. He has taught me so many things, and he continues to assist me in any way I may need. He supports me more than anything and never puts me on a pedestal. I think you get the jist here, Jacob's the shit and I'm probs gonna marry him.
I have also started moving forward with my possible career. I'm 4 months from graduating from Wright State University with my B.A. in Psychology and minor in Sexuality Studies. I have been interning at the Planned Parenthood location in Dayton since January and I have loved every moment of it. Very recently I have stumbled upon a golden opportunity of possibly standing my career at Planned Parenthood. There is an opening for a position of Health Educator/Community Outreach at a Planned Parenthood location in Birmingham, Alabama. Although for the past few months I have been planning to move to Knoxville with Jacob, this opportunity completely changes my course of thinking. I have a friend in Alabama who said I would love it there and has friends I could possibly live with if Jacob can't come with me. The salary on this position is $45,000 which is EXTREMELY good to get after getting out of college. Basically, I'm going to do everything I can to get this job. I have already talked to my supervisor about writing me a letter of recommendation and she agreed to look over/edit my resume and cover letter and basically just help me apply for the position. I plan to do it next week sometime, hopefully that won't be too late. I really don't know what's going to happen, but I'm really striving for this. Also, I totally understand that there's a huge chance I won't get it since I'm from OH and not AL and it's kind of random and there's lots of competition but we'll see!
In an ever lesser time, within the next two weeks I'll be going to Wisconsin with Jacob for the Midwest Gaming Classic which holds a Tetris Tournament which I am going to be competing in. There is a possibility of winning $5,000 (At least it says on the website) so I'm trying to practice really hard cause holy shit do I need the money, Basically, there's a lot going on in my life right now and I'm really happy about all of it because it's things I am making happen. I am in control of my life and it feels amazing.
Not to go off on another course, but a lot of this growth has come from my parent's separation and my lack of relationship I've chosen to have with my mother. Her and I have had quite our issues and with the way she's been behaving since my Dad moved in with me and they actually started working on the divorce, I don't really want to have a relationship with her. She's not the kind of person I want or need to be around because she's not good for my mental health. I have to focus on myself and growing as an adult and I need to cut her off from manipulatively controlling parts of my life. If she saw that sentence she would probably cringe then scream because she'd never admit to it. But it's true, she had a significant emotional impact on me and I needed to sever myself from her. And I swear, it is the BEST thing I have done. Separating myself from my mom and my sister has made my life like a lot better. Which sounds terrible, but it's true. I don't like them, I don't like being around them, and I'm happiest with them in very very small doses. This is what's great about being an adult now, is that I don't have to be close with my family if I don't want to. There's nothing keeping me attached to my mom and sister. If I'm going to have a family I want it to have a healthy, supportive, and non-threatening environment, and until I work through the issues I have with my mom it's never going to be like that around her. She just may be the kind of person I can't be around, and I'm a better person when I'm not around her. That sounds so bad but I think it's true. She's pushed me so far away now, I'm able to truly see her and who she is as a person and not just my mom. And I don't like what I see. At least for now. My hope, is that this divorce is draining her emotionally so she's at a weakened state, and isn't at her best mom mode, because she has a lot of wonderful moments. I'm not saying this to excuse her behavior, because trust me, I'm not putting up with that kind of shit anymore. But maybe someday she'll get her shit together and we can enjoy each other's time together. I'd love that, I'd really really love that. But just not now.
April, when you read this later on just know one thing about this time in your life. You were happy. You were strong. You were loved. You were doing amazing. It's good to be proud of yourself.
P.S. You and Mallory just reconciled and you guys are friends again. It's better to have her in your life.
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