Yeah, it's gonna get cliche, and real fast. I've gone through far too many guys this summer to count on one hand, and yeah I'm okay with that and blah blah blah. But as much as one would think that someone like me wouldn't feel lonely because of all the guys that give me attention and what not, they are wrong. I'm only living like this because, well right now it's in my comfort zone. Everything about my life right now is in my comfort zone until I move. I'm doing everything I can to have no connections to anyone around here and just have a warm body next to me one night or another.
...but damn this shit gets old quickly.
I've been told every line in the mother fucking book, and not once, MULTIPLE times. So you would think it wouldn't make a difference to me when someone tells me that they care right? Nope. I'm dumb enough to enjoy those moments every single time (not to an extreme degree mind you). But right now as I was lying in bed I was thinking to myself "I really feel alone". Yeah, I know we all feel alone and what not and I'm not saying that my feeling alone is any different from anyone else's I get that. Just right now, to have someone I could call and talk to who I know actually cares, would mean a hell of a lot, and truth of the matter is I don't get that a lot. And unfortunately, the guys who will give me that, I don't want, because I'm a shallow and picky bitch. I want my cake and I want to eat it too because I have ridiculously high standards....for a said boyfriend at least. Everyone else, just have to be attractive enough I guess.
So what I'm really trying to get at here is that I'm being vulnerable right now in admitting my feelings of loneliness, and I'm okay with it. I just really wish that a guy I was sincerely attracted to would be there for me to talk to, and I know I may have to wait a pretty damn long time to find that person, but I'm okay with that. It's just in this moment right now, I want to be held. Kissed on the forehead. Cuddled. And reassured that I'm cared about, by a guy who I can look at and appreciate his physical qualities to a tee. Yep, I'm a picky bitch that's whining. And I don't really care. :)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
I am the girl who is tired...just so tired.
I have been sleeping a lot lately. And having horrific nightmares where I am beaten until I can't think straight and then no one can see my bruises or bloody marks because it was all a brush of amnesia. So why have I been sleeping so much and having terrible dreams? My stress is starting to control my life, when I'm spending each day doing nothing. Because why? My anxiety is a little bitch.
In the past couple weeks, I've been going through a constant struggle every day to control my anxiety. I don't really talk about my anxiety a lot because it's extremely hard for people to really understand what it's like in my head when it takes a turn for the worst. Let me try and break it down for you, imagine you are standing at the eye of a tornado. You look all around you, nothings quite touching you but everything you need is just flying around you and all you want to do is just grab it an hold onto it. But you can't. You keep turning around seeing what you need; peace of mind, a healthy relationship, ability to do well in school and what not, completely out of your reach. And then when the storm comes down, you scramble to pick up each little thing, and if you can't, you live in constant fear that the storm will start back up and you'll loose it all again.
I don't want to live like this. This wasn't my choice, this never was. 3 years ago at the age of 15 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, a fairly common disorder in terms of anxiety and easily treatable by medication, otherwise not a big deal really. But for some reason, I never seemed to get over the fact that I had this disease, this issue that required medication for me to be normal. I realized quickly that I wouldn't be able to survive mentally without my medication. I was ashamed to say the least. But why? This would be no different if I had heart palpitations and needed medication in order to live. However, even in that situation I would still feel like a freak for having some sort of disease. I just want to go through a day where I don't have to take my medication, but I know that I have to. I am more than aware that I need my medication, thats why I take it everyday, but I just have an overwhelming feeling of shame about it. I don't know why I do though, because lots of people have anxiety disorders and need medication, I'm really not that different right?
Maybe one day through therapy and lots of help from family and friends I can learn to accept this disability that I have. It's just a lot more painful than people can see. I want to function normally and I don't want to let my stress rule my life. I know that these are just the cards I've been dealt and I must accept them, it's just a lot different when it's invisible. I don't want to ever drive someone away because of all my pent up anxiety or stress or worry-ness, that's why I work so goddamn hard everyday to maintain it and NOT be that basket case I was when I was 15. I just hope that maybe I will get my deserved credit for all the work I've done. It's just when I have fall backs like I've had recently, I tend to reflect on the negative. Again, another trait of us anxiety-ridden folk. However, I know that with each day, I can only grow stronger.
In the past couple weeks, I've been going through a constant struggle every day to control my anxiety. I don't really talk about my anxiety a lot because it's extremely hard for people to really understand what it's like in my head when it takes a turn for the worst. Let me try and break it down for you, imagine you are standing at the eye of a tornado. You look all around you, nothings quite touching you but everything you need is just flying around you and all you want to do is just grab it an hold onto it. But you can't. You keep turning around seeing what you need; peace of mind, a healthy relationship, ability to do well in school and what not, completely out of your reach. And then when the storm comes down, you scramble to pick up each little thing, and if you can't, you live in constant fear that the storm will start back up and you'll loose it all again.
I don't want to live like this. This wasn't my choice, this never was. 3 years ago at the age of 15 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, a fairly common disorder in terms of anxiety and easily treatable by medication, otherwise not a big deal really. But for some reason, I never seemed to get over the fact that I had this disease, this issue that required medication for me to be normal. I realized quickly that I wouldn't be able to survive mentally without my medication. I was ashamed to say the least. But why? This would be no different if I had heart palpitations and needed medication in order to live. However, even in that situation I would still feel like a freak for having some sort of disease. I just want to go through a day where I don't have to take my medication, but I know that I have to. I am more than aware that I need my medication, thats why I take it everyday, but I just have an overwhelming feeling of shame about it. I don't know why I do though, because lots of people have anxiety disorders and need medication, I'm really not that different right?
Maybe one day through therapy and lots of help from family and friends I can learn to accept this disability that I have. It's just a lot more painful than people can see. I want to function normally and I don't want to let my stress rule my life. I know that these are just the cards I've been dealt and I must accept them, it's just a lot different when it's invisible. I don't want to ever drive someone away because of all my pent up anxiety or stress or worry-ness, that's why I work so goddamn hard everyday to maintain it and NOT be that basket case I was when I was 15. I just hope that maybe I will get my deserved credit for all the work I've done. It's just when I have fall backs like I've had recently, I tend to reflect on the negative. Again, another trait of us anxiety-ridden folk. However, I know that with each day, I can only grow stronger.
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