Well, it's almost been technically a year since I've been here. I have been putting a lot of my time into my tumblr in terms of emotional spurts of intense emotion (unintended redundancy), but this is something I want to put here.
Just to give a quick update to where I'm at now:
I'm about to start my final year of college this fall and turn 21 (fucking finally). I have a different boyfriend, Jacob, who I met through tumblr and he's a remarkable human being who I can barely find words to describe. I have recovered from a serious depression I had from November of 2012, to about January, early February of 2013, however I gained about 20 lbs from it and am trying to lose weight but it's not going so well. I just started a new job at a retirement home in Yellow Springs and so far I actually like it there. But, that all isn't stuff I really feel like writing about right now.
I haven't always been the greatest when it comes to making friends. I've gained and lost many friends in my life and have always let it affect my self-esteem which I know is silly but oh well. I had a best friend for many many years, whose name was Mallory and I put a lot of myself into her. But, a few weeks ago we had our falling out, which was really unexpected (for me at least) and has really gotten me down. The details of how it all escalated aren't really important, and frankly I don't feel like drudging up those feelings again. But basically, it was a disagreement of emotions and buttons were pushed and things were said and done and now we're no longer friends. I was very very hurt from the whole incident. I still am. It puts a knot in my stomach every time I think about it. I had been waving on the idea of writing her a letter to apologize for what had happen and ask for when she was ready to have a conversation about our relationship because there were some things we needed to discuss. However, tonight I found that she wrote a very long post about me and about what had happened. It mainly said that she doesn't really like me as a person and want me as a friend in her life anymore, and she's glad that this whole thing happened and still is upset about the same things that the whole thing blew up about in the first place. It clearly decided for me that I'm not going to write her that letter because she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.
So, I feel hurt, obviously. And sad, and even angry. I wish I was worth it to her. To keep fighting for our friendship. I wish I hadn't done and said the things I did to help this whole thing escalate to such a degree. I wish that she would be willing to sit down and discuss all of this with me and consider that this situation isn't so black and white. But mostly, I wish that she had been able to end my friendship with me on somewhat better terms. I understand that I am not the easiest person to be friends with. I'm annoying, and needy, and intense and emotional. That's a lot for most people to handle. I know I can be too loud and obnoxious and get so drunk I can't take care of myself. It's just, I really don't understand how all of that could be so bad. I mean yeah, I'm not perfect, but I'm not necessarily that bad either. I know that she feels I'm playing the victim role and I often do, which I'm not going to say I don't. And she also feels that I put myself above others and again, I'm not going to say I don't do that either. I know that I have more of my mother in me than I'd like to admit and she's not always a pleasant person, which is why I am the way that I am. For years my issues have been both with my body and with my personality on and off respectively, or at the same time, what have you, but right now I can't seem to find anything about myself I like.
I'm not saying this to play the victim and be all like "woe is me, I am so sad" blah blah blah, but having Mallory's friendship to me was always like, "Well, there's at least one person out there who likes me!" Now that I don't have that anymore, I feel really really alone. I know I have Jacob and yes he is a wonderful and amazing boyfriend and friend and gives me more than enough love I could ever hope to receive, but I want a best girl friend. I want someone who on my 21st birthday I can go get my nails done with and all sorts of other fun stuff. I don't like having no one. I have a friend Lexie, who is very sweet and I love spending time with her, but she's been really busy and has a lot of her own shit to deal with. I mean, a part of me is really sad and hurt and yeah I feel this pain in my chest and stomach from all of this but at the same time, it's like yeah I'm sad she's gone, but I think I'm learning how to deal with it better. I just want friends. Like real life friends. I want people to hang out with and to talk to, who care about me and wanna do stuff with me. I realize now that I have to start changing a lot of who I am as a person if I want that to happen. I have to stop acting that I'm better than others, and I have to start taking more responsibility for things. I have to stop using my therapy as an excuse to act the way I do, and I have to have better control of myself and what I say when I'm at public and at work. Clearly, the way I am isn't that great, because if not I would still have a best friend. I would have friends in general. I don't want to depend on Jacob for everything, and I'm not going to. But I don't know what to do without friends. I don't know how to handle not having friends. It doesn't work like that for me. I can't do that, I can't be non-social. But, the cards I've been dealt show me that it's not my choice.
This is a sign that I have for more to improve on in who I am, and grow more as a person. How I am now isn't good enough, and I need to change that.
