You know, despite my hard exterior of being super confident and well aware of myself, behind it I feel at times I'm really nothing special and am extremely intimidated by others, and it doesn't take much to get me down. And now that I've moved somewhere like New York City, I'm starting to realize how much the city truly intimidates me.
I am not like a lot of other girls. I do not know fashion inside and out, and of all places to have that fail me, New York City is the worst. I look around and almost everyone is in something trendy and awesome and cute; and then there is me in my tee shirt and jeans. I don't think there is anything WRONG with my tee shirt and jeans, they're comfortable and I quite like them. But now since I've been living her, I feel like it's not good enough, and I'm starting to feel like I'm not good enough. I need to pick up my game, and I need to get trendy fashionable clothes to fit in. But at the same time, I'm not a size 6, nor a size 20, so it's hard to find awesome clothes that fit me right, and the shear gratitude of what effort that would take to be fashionable intimidates me so I just want to hide away.
I am not like a lot of other girls. I mean, I have an okay face, but other than that, there really isn't a lot. Like, there are so many good looking people in New York, and I'm just so average. I'm not earth shatteringly pretty but I guess in Ohio that didn't really matter because compared to those people I was. I mean I know I need to wear makeup because of my skin, and I know I'm not that thin and need to be because I'm really insecure about my body sometimes, especially about my stretch marks.
Maybe this is the reason I've been hiding so much lately, I'm just too intimidated to face this area I'm in. Here I was thinking I was all confident and strong and I feel more and more like I'm just nothing special, at all. I mean, I really am a nerd, even the bad things. I don't know how to dress, I'd rather sit at home and watch Dr. Who than go out and socialize, and I'm too awkward to fit in. I just don't know how I am suppose to compete with the kind of people in New York. I'm really not that awesome. I'm just not good enough. Like, why do I even question to myself why I'm single; of course I'm single. People barely care about what's on the inside, they want a beautiful skinny trendy girl and I'm just not that. I want someone who really fits my standards to see that, but maybe if they hit my standards that puts them high above me and then I'm not good enough for them. Ugh that doesn't make much sense. I just don't want to settle, I want the whole package, but why should I ask for it when I'm not even the whole package.
I feel so terrible. I just want to hide and not even come out unless I'm 20 lbs thinner and actually have an acceptable closet. Maybe this is why I spend so much time on the computer. People on the internet can't judge me on the way I look or dress, they see how my personality is, which can be a lot better than my outside. Basically, Imma be forever alone.
